Bye Bye Birdie

Its so surreal.
These moments in your life that you anticipate. Wait for.

It's crazy how you look forward to something for so long, then one day, it happens.
All of a sudden, you are living in the moment.
You want to laugh. But your brain gets foggy. This dream/vision becomes a reality.
I think its hard for the brain to accept.

Like childbirth.
I remember being in labor with Sarah. I was in so much pain and hazy.
All of the those expectations are either being met, or things are going unexpected.
I realized that at THAT MOMENT,  I, Amber Gaither, now wife, was HAVING A BABY, a moment I had processed for 9 and a half months was NOW, ACTUALLY happening.
Oddly, after having my mind focused on only pain tolerance, was now focusing on the room, my mom, sitting in the corner starring at me helpless and Ali fiddling with his shirt, nervously waiting for whatever was going to happen next.
I smirked.
I really wanted to laugh.  In fact, in my mind I was laughing. How odd, I thought to myself, suddenly laughing out of the blue.
That awkward laugh you get when your being yelled at by a person who has a huge booger in their nose, you have to be serious and listen, but all you really want, is to bust out laughing.
But you stay composed.
I stayed composed(well sorta), and she was born.

I really should have just laughed.

I waited 4 1/2 years for Sarah's  first day of Kindergarten. Scratch that, I knew Kindergarten was coming and I was preparing for it.
Throughout the years of seeing pictures of 'first day outfits,' shiny new sneakers and Dora the Explorer lunchboxes, what a proud moment that must be.
It is.
I am proud. Proud I have made it this far alive. Proud that I have become the mother I am, and most of all proud of who she is.

We love you.









Wonder



This picture frightens me.

After stumbling across this photo amongst many that we took at the beach that day, my heart sank to my soles. Where did this come from? I already looked through all of these pictures, how did I miss this?

It so loudly predicts the unwanted fact that my son will be grown up, and on is own someday.  Facing this unsolvable world we live. Takings steps away from us instead of closer. I feel like I want to yank his little body out of this picture and squeeze him in my arms and never let go.

Sigh.

I don't like this picture.

Double sigh. 

I also don't like packing.

Both of which I am avoiding.














Going on a treasure hunt!


It's been a crazy summer. Crazy good and, well,........crazy.

My husband and I are moving....not just to another town. Another state.
What state may you ask?

Maine.

From New York.

Crazy,.............yes.

Things have been going smooth. We got the only apartment we could afford and Sarah into the school we desired. My parents are excited and the beach is always open.

But by far, the hardest part about this, is leaving our family, and the friends we have made here.

My daughter was all ready to go to school, riding the bus with our neighbor boys.  Last night the parents explained how the youngest, Michael, was groveling to his pediatrician  how sad it was that Sarah is moving.

*sob*

This move is getting harder and harder and we haven't even reached the countdown.

My husband is training his replacement at work!? Whaat?!  He told me this Friday his name will be written on a schedule in another store, in another state.............crazy!

My last day of work is next week.
NEXT WEEK!

The time is going by too fast. All our family and friends are surfacing, letting us know how much we will be missed..........well.....the kids really. My heart is being anchored.

I remember these emotions. The feeling of sadness and last minute heartbreak. But good always comes out of it. You will always have these friends in your life, and had the pleasure of meeting them.
I miss my family and friends in California, I know if I ever went back, they would be there. Even though we may not talk as often on the phone or email.
No friend/family is forgotten.

The love is always there.


oh, and we haven't even started packing yet.



Cropsey

I don't know, is cropsey a word?

My dumpling of a daughter is "graduating" from Preschool.

dun, dun, dun dun.

I spent countless hours shopping for the perfect "graduation" dress for her.
I had visions of  little white  flowers in her 'romantic style updo' with her SHNAZZY white summer dress carefully plucked from the racks of Target.............perfect.

Why did NO ONE remind me that they had made their very own Tie-dye t-shirts a ba-gillion days in advance with their trademark iron on label:

'I grew at First Untied Methodist Preschool'

um...

My vision of sunshine hair and summer dress spins are smashed to the ground and stomped to bits.

Bits.

Exhibit A:      Last Years tie dye shirt.









Letting go

Sometimes you just need to hear the right words...

Something to encourage you to keep going, keep fighting for what you believe in.

Deep breath....

It's hard for me to write this....having my personal life out in the open.
But I think that everyone goes through these problems, and part of the issues is, we make believe we don't.

I was feeling separated from my husband.
Whether it be loneliness or jealousy.
My connections was getting further and further away.

For a minute, I wanted to be free.

My history with dating is no good. I am not the commitment type.
My view on marriage was a joke.
Not one couple on earth has not had some type of affair.
So why commit to one person for the rest of your life?


But, Ali was different.
No really.

I value that I can talk to him about anything. Even these thoughts of wanting to escape, and how I am 99% vested in this relationship and the other is waiting for the day it fails, and I run.

Of course, I didn't realize this until we talked.

I expect failure.
How can you progress past a certain point?

Then, he said....

"that day in Reno, I had that ring, you had no idea that I was going to ask you to marry me.....I had a moment with myself.....Ali, is this the right woman for you......I could just put this away and she would never know......but I said, nope, you were everything I asked God for. Your everything I ever wanted, and nothing has changed since that day, I still love you"


It's time to let go.
It's time to jump in.

I have to know that some things in life are real.
This is real, our life.
We may have our moments, but the foundation is there.
I have to remember that safety net of "we".
We are here, together, forever, holding hands until death separates us.

I love you Ali.
Thank you for being by my side
Even when you know I am broken.






Hiyah!


My son.
What can I say.

He is a born fighter.
It must be in the blood of boys to make weapons out of sticks and use ribbon as karate belts?!
How does he know these things?

Coming from 3 solid years of pink and rainbows......it's quite an adjustment to go to growls and punches.

That face, that chubby, double chinned, big blue eyed fuzzy face!

You just wanna knock him out!
My husband and I joke if he doesn't stop being cute we are just gonna punch something.....we are always holding up fists ready to punch...I've punched walls, door, pillows and Ali.
The cuteness is too much.

He's like a puppy you just want to stay little and fluffy. Never get bigger and awkward.

Here is some recent footage.....

video



We also captured a little ka-ra-te.....
No pants and his "black belt".....
It's short and sweet.


video




Garrrgghhh!!!!


Where?

Do I start.

It's been a while. I guess in a way its been writers block. Or nothing too interesting to say.
No revelations really.
For awhile there, I was being consumed by so many different thoughts and emotions...wow...

I've learned to Chillax


It's hard to do that sometimes, especially when you realize that everything around you is crumbling.
Or so you may think.

Over-thinking is also my down fall.

Just chill.

Churning thoughts like butter. Rotating them over in your mind until it makes sense so you can grasp the situation.
Turning a liquid into a solid.
Sometimes its hard to get the stuff to form.

My cure and my new motto is living in the "NOW," the moment
This very second I am typing this.....is living.
The future is endless.
My past is an exit I passed up a long time ago, that I don't want to drive down.
I am someone else, a new person, older, stronger, wiser.

It's the older part that scares me......

Gulp.

Well, here's to getting wrinkles and age spots...ha ha.



Piece

It's been so long. The sun, the warmth.
Yesterday was a nice day.
Nice for New York.
Sunny, upper 40's.

But the sky was clear, so the sun could seep into my pores.
Ahhh, Vitamin D, I've missed you.

We went to our favorite hiking trail down to our favorite waterfall. Even though the snow is still sporadic on the ground, the base of the waterfall was melted, revealing an abundance of rocks that make great artillery.

Who knew this was so much fun.

The thing that got me was, this was the place I would come with Sarah when I was pregnant with Noah.
The waterfall, the sun...I remember those summer days so well. The water was flowing, the sun was shining on my face, Sarah was playing with bugs on the rocks.
I felt total peace.
This vision is what got me through child birth. Forcing myself to remember that moment, that feeling.

And there he was, throwing 'not so little' rocks with his little hands into the water, growling  like a lion.

He has grown into a little boy.

I gazed at my husband, daughter and son, throwing rocks into this, Vision of Peace.

Life is amazingly beautiful sometimes.

video




video



No Rain


The Honest Weight Food Co-op, my second home.
LITERALLY.

It's a beacon of light in downtown Albany.
It's an Organic vessel of local/organic/fair trade fruit, vegetable and grass-fed/ free range meats.
On top of that, they serve a variety of fresh baked good, breads, muffins, pastries,
Sandwiches, salads, pasta, hot dishes, daily soups, a whole specialty cheese haven and fresh squeezed juices. On top of that they teach free classes about, well, everything. 
I am in love.
I have been for 3 years.

WELL, we are FINALLY members!!

This Co-op is community owned, in order to get a discount you have to be a member. You buy one 'share' for $100 (which you can do in a 6 YEAR payment plan) and immediately get 2%. If you want, you become a volunteer worker, work 4 hours a month and get 10%. You volunteer for 4 hours a week, you get 26%. You schedule yourself when you can.


It was a big day for me.

During the orientation I was so giddy I had to calm myself.
I was surrounded by people who felt as passionate about food as I was.
We talked GMO's.
We talked about importance of animal diets.
We talked about gardening and heirloom seeds.

WOW. I could have hugged everyone in that room and brought a guitar and sang songs.

THERE IS EVEN A RALLY to support farming in New York State......

It feels awesome to know I am  fulfilling my  passion, and I am taking bigger steps to get there.
I'm not a baby anymore, I am an adult, I take adult steps.

It makes my drive to be a Nutritionist even stronger, I feel my path is finally laying out before me. I am getting involved, the way I have wanted to.

I just needed to become a member.




Be all that you can be.



My husband.
He is my inspiration.
He doesn't even bat an eye to criticism.
He has helped me in so many ways, in not feeling like I have to defend myself.
And stop worrying about what others do either.
And try to just be honest.
Worry about us. Let go of everything else.

I am feeling pressure.
The pressure to go to work.


For me, working at the salon was a mental and physical break.
When I worked, it was great. Not gonna lie.
Even those long busy days were nothing compared to a long day with the kids.
It was calm and quiet, I got to socialize with adults, EAT,  take a break, be creative and MAKE MONEY!
My drive to make money is really strong.
Some mom's can balance this. 

I am scared I will get wrapped up in it.
I didn't want to lose focus of what was really important to me.
Raising my kids.
Once I get on that money horse I will gallop off, full speed and it scares me.
I resist the urge to ask my old boss for my job back, everyday.


So, I've  learned to bottle this drive to make money, into being a mom.
That is my full time job. I am working hard long days with PLENTY of overtime, to be the best mom and role model I can be.
Just without a pay check to show for it.

It's so hard when you are battling these thoughts already, then lose support. Making money IS important.
Sometimes I am guided away from what I am fighting to achieve.
It's hard not to get upset or defensive.

I know I will get on that horse.
I guess someday I will have to give in.















Gouge my eyes out!

The last four days have been less than thrilling.

It's either due to some illness, emerging teeth or crabby stomach, but my son Noah has been off the charts fussy.
I can not even leave the room he is in or waaaah
Look at him, waaaaahhhhh
Offer him food, waaahhhh
Drink, waaaaaaaahhhh
If Ali even touches him, waaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The only time he is happy is when we are out doing things.
Which, is what we do.
When we are home, I can not sit down, or its "milk, milk, milk"
Not only have I completely lost the sacred-cy of breastfeeding
I kinda dread it.
It's fine when you have a sleepy newborn, or a bubbly infant,
but when you have a scratching, hitting, wriggling, kicking, biting toddler it's a whole other story.
I just take a deep breath and hold it until it's over.

Especially night time.
Which brings me to my misery.

My husband and I, fed up with the sleepless nights, decided we were going to DO THIS!! No more night nursing.....High five!

Let's just say breastmilk was crack.
Noah would be an open sore-d,  hopeless crack head, that even an episode of INTERVENTION couldn't cure..

That kid is NOT willing to give it up, he cried, and cried, and cried and cried....etc.


He refuses a sippy cup.
He HATES a bottle.
He HATES pacifiers.

I'm lost.
I have no idea what to do.
So we were up since 2:30 a.m., dazed, defeated and exhausted.............high five.

And on top of that, Sarah is having issues with her urinary tract. So, I had to take her to the doctors the next day.
BY MY SELF.
My husband has been with me for every doctors appointment since we had Noah. But, I felt today it was going to be fine. The kids are good. I can DO THIS!

Why didn't someone just shake me.

We got there 20 minutes early, the lady seem confused when I told her our appointment time, making me think, GREAT, our appointment (that I made that morning) didn't get scheduled.

Kids were good at this point, Noah kept wandering off, but Sarah was being good.

20 minutes past our appointment time, we get called.
Kids were still being good.

Then we wait in the room.
That damn room

After about 30 minutes waiting, Noah starts rolling around on the FLOOR refusing to be picked up. He is OBVIOUSLY bored with the cubicle of a room. He then starts slamming the door to the garbage under the sink, "bam bam BAM BAM BAM BAM" over and over and refused to stop.
Sarah was being good, but needed to pee. GREAT! Noah was not having it, so I carried a wriggly baby to the bathroom, set him down and he starts playing with the PLUNGER and once I take it away, he rolls all over the floor! ughh
After, the doctor FINALLY come is......the student doctor..........at this point, Sarah is anxious. Noah is bored and starts wanting "MILK MILK MILK" oh god..once he get's that in his mind, there is NO distracting him at that point...it's crack I tell ya..........so he starts shoving his hands down my shirt, crying hysterically snot bubbles everywhere..... and the doctor is asking me a million questions I have to scream to answer.....he tries to examine Sarah, so I had to put Noah down, mid-crisis, to help Sarah not freak out when they look in her ears.......Noah is throwing himself on the floor crying.......then the student doctor leaves to get the REAL doctor....great!!!!
We wait, at this point, SARAH starts crying, non stop, saying she doesn't want to be at the doctors anymore!!!! She is throwing herself on the examination table sobbing....Noah is, of course nursing, underneath Sarah's teeny sweater that barely covers anything..so I am helpless in consoling Sarah........Noah barely nursed, then proceeds to play with the computer wiring underneath the table.....frantically I found some NERD candies in my purse...HALLELUJAH!!!! That kept them busy for 2 minutes...finally the other doctor came....Noah is now on the floor rubbing himself all over the dirt and contagious diseases, he climbs on a stool and just stands atop it like a mountain lion...the doctor was like "oh no buddy you might fall"...then he moves on and starts playing with the metal stirups BAM BAM.....the student doctor was like "oh no buddy, that might hit your head".......I'm staring at him like, just LET him play with the DAMN stirup!!!!! During Noah's extreme naughtiness, Sarah is crying hysterically because she is tired, in pain and doesn't want them looking at her "veggies".....
Then they told us she needed to pee in a cup.
I almost cried. Really.
She just went pee. It was already so late....
I wanted to roll on the floor and cry along with Noah.

After all of that, and we were finally done,
I just sat there, staring at the wall. Sarah and Noah both wailing.

It was probably one of the top ten worst days of motherhood.

I barely survived.

We were there for 2 horrendous hours.
My  husband and I had plan to go see a movie, but I made it home at 4:10 p.m. exactly when the movie started. We didn't go.
So, it was kinda a frustrating day to say the least.........
UGH!!

video

But the day before I got this funny video of Noah, this is kinda what he was doing all over the floor of the office....









Snow Day Pics

Here is some pics from our Snow day...bath time, dress up and snack time.














Oh ya!

Again, we were swimming.
This time, Sarah made a friend who actually played with her.

Sarah is a little pushy.
Usually her new "friends" swim away because Sarah is SCREAMING, "WHAT IS YOUR NAME!!!!!!?"
She gets right up in your face too.
It's not her fault, it's what we do to her.

But this girl was giving Sarah swim rings to throw so she could dive with them, throwing a huge ball back and forth, they swapped names...it was so cute!

But then, the girl started getting too personal, splashing into Sarah's face and chasing her.
Sarah actually looked distressed.

 We locked eyes.

She yelled "Mommy!"
Swam over to me, grabbed onto my shoulders and we swam away together....a little mermaid on my back. And I her dolphin.

It felt good to be her knight and shinning armor.

Oh ya.



Valentines Day

Today is the First United Methodist Preschool, a.k.a. Sarah's Preschool, annual............wait for it.............

......its coming...............


Valentines Day party!!!

WOOOP!
A little woop actually,
because we spent most of the night making cookies for the class, destroying our clean kitchen in the process.

BUT, they came out cute I guess. Just plain ol' sugar cookies with pink frosting.

It was actually quite difficult to figure out what to bring for valentines day cards for all the kids. I just can't let an opportunity like Valentines Day pass. I need to CRAFT!! But since we are not allowed to bring in chocolate due to allergies, I needed to figure out what else can go along with her cards.

Bubbles.

Kids love bubbles.
I am slighlty worried about the kids spilling the bubble solution on the laminated floor and slipping and breaking some part of their little skeletal system.
Just breathe.
Don't start over analyzing.

Well, I figure the bubbles were a safer option than Valentines "finger puppet"  breast cards.


HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!







There it was.

As I was driving down the highway, I noticed car after car with licenses plates from all over, Georgia, Florida, New Jersey....wow......... then.... there it was..................




It hurt.
Sarah doesn't even know what or where that is.
All she has known is New York.
California was my home. Where I grew up.Where my other half of my family is.
She doesn't understand she has a whole side of her family across America.

Or what consecutive sunshine is.
Or what our old pizzeria pizza tasted like.
Or Sushi Mambo and Marine World.
I realized I still hold on to California, like one day I am just going to wake up and look out my window and see the sun shining again and the sounds of hot air balloons.

It's hard to let go.
I really miss being there.

"Home is where you make it," said Erin (my b.f.f.).
It's true. 
My home is here now.
I have to let go.
Or wake up.

It's these winter days that kill me.

I have to embrace the snow I guess, rub it down.
Be ONE with it.
Its the only way I am going to survive.

Maybe I'll go tubbing.










I failed

Last Friday, the preschool "sign-out" clipboard circled around to me.
Miss Amy, Sarah's preschool teacher, said, "Pajama day is Monday."
I looked down at the clipboard, as I scribbled my signature I noticed a sticky note stating the same thing.
I thought to myself, "I should really write this down."

Once I got Sarah into the car, she excitedly told me they were going to wear pajamas at school.
WHAT?!!
She is showing excitement about a school activity!
"Yes, Miss Amy told me you were going to have a pajama day," I said.
Maybe I will facebook Zeus's mom for the date, when I get home.

I forgot.

That Friday had been chaos.
I was running late, I scrambled to find her snow pants and gloves with no success.
The kids had been playing inside the past week due to frigid weather, so I was hoping that today was the same, it was cold.
Nope.
They went outside that day. She had no gloves.
Fortunately the teacher had extra snow pants. She was whining about her freezing hands, they were ice cold. My heart sunk, deep.
She had been playing in the snow with bare hands. UGH!

So, Monday comes, a new day. I have her snow pants ready, her under sweater, an EXTRA sweater, gloves, hat, big jacket.
I was ready.
We even got ready 20 minutes early, so I did something fun with her hair. She had her cute B.F.F. shirt and dark wash skinny jeans on...She was stylin'.
I thought "man, I really need to get the date of Pajama day, so I don't forget."

Too late.

Ali said that she looked around and saw all the other bobbling kids in their Transformer and Tinkerbell P.J.'s and said "OH NO, daddy we forgot our P.J.'s!!"
He told me this 10 minutes after we dropped her off.

10 minutes too late.
I couldn't bring her P.J.'s now, they were doing circle time.

I called my mom distraught. She told me "I am SURE other parents forgot".....
I took comfort in knowing I wasn't the only one.

NOPE.
I was the only one.

It was then I cried.

And they didn't even go outside.



I thought it was funny that I was crying and she was not.
Luckily she didn't seem upset, so it made it easier.
I dwelled on it, of course.
 Mother of the Year over here.

Well, Kindergarten registration is today.
It will be a start to better organization.










You eat WHAT!?

The biggest question I get when people find out we eat organic is "how can you afford that?"

You can afford it, it just takes a little planning, and shopping smart.

Fortunately we have great resources around to be able to continue to eat organic and local foods.
Albany has a community owned Food Co-op called Honest Weight.
They carry meats,dairy, produce, bulk, organic and local products.
The price tag for many things is high.
But they have coupon packets and discounts every month on a lot of products.
Our local Hannaford (supermarket) has graciously invested money into supplying organic fruits and vegetables too, most of it is affordable.
The trick is not buying packaged products like snacks and cereals.
This is where your cost will add up fast.
This has been hard for us to adjust to, when you have kids especially. We do buy snack crackers when they are on sale, but only when they are on sale.
It's become habit to feed them before we go out or do anything and make sure to pack snacks, we learned the hard way.

We also do not buy canned products, due to the overwhelming amount of BPA in the lining of the cans. The only company that has BPA free lining is Eden Organics beans. Which go for $2.20 a can. So we skip out. We buy dry beans and pre-boil them and use that, a much cheaper alternative.

We have saved a lot of money buying bulk foods and is great to have for emergencies.
We have:
Flour
Oats
Rice
Bulgar
Beans
Onion
Potato
Pasta

Our weekly budget is $150.
This is an example of our weekly dinner meal plan. (accompanied with Salad and a vegetable dish)

Monday: Pizza. 
( Supplies: One jar of strained tomato-for sauce, Cube of Mozzarella cheese)

Tuesday: Chicken scampi
(Chicken, garlic, ginger, oil, pasta)

Wednesday: Lahmajum (turkish pizza)
(Ground Beef, jar tomato paste, parsley, flour, yeast)

Thursday: Tofu Stir Fry
(Tofu, Brocolli, Carrots, onion)

Friday: Chicken & Rice
(Chicken, Rice, Brocolli, Carrots)

Saturday: Shrimp Scampi
(Shrimp, pasta, garlic, ginger, oil)

Sunday: Spaghetti
(Pasta, ground beef, sauce)

Ali will most likely make a potato stew of some sort for weekly lunches.

Most of the stuff we buy is used in other dishes. We buy one jar of strained tomato's and make sauce that we use for other things like pasta dishes. We also recently started buying a whole chicken to roast and use for lots of other things....and stock. We buy 1 pound of ground beef and divide it into two for different things. And a whole bag of Emril's Frozen shrimp and use that for at least 3 meals, its only 7.99

For breakfast we eat oatmeal, peanut butter & bananas on bread or eggs.

Usual Grocery list.:
Bananas-conventional
Brocolli (head)-organic
Carrots (will last more than 1 week)-local
Onions-organic
Potatos-organic/local
Salad mix-organic
Parsley-conventional
Scallions-conventional
Tomato-local/hydroponoic
Apples-local
Garlic-organic
Ginger- (will last more than 1 week)
Cube of Mozzarella
Whole Chicken
1lb of Ground beef or stew meat
One Jar Strained Tomato
One Jar tomato paste
Tofu
Olive oil (only if on sale)-organic
Frozen veggies

CHECK OUT: http://www.youtube.com/user/CandidMommy  for great organic recipes!

Hope this is helpful. :)


Thousandaires


We are rich....

For a couple of hours....

TAX RETURN!!
But then we pay off debt...
But for right now, we are thousandaires....hhhmmmmya


I couldn't go back to sleep after Ali whispered at 5 a.m.,
"we are thousandaires".......!!
It's so nice to have some money for a change......
With this we are planning on signing Sarah up for Tai Kwon Do class.
The test runs have been going good.
The teacher Master Yun, is awesome, like REALLY.awesome....he made ME want to go out their and join in...
I teared up a little, after a little warm up, he got Sarah to finally go out with the rest of the kids,
I think it will help her with her confidence. Once she got out their she had a blast, she made a B.F.F. and  was kicking and punching, shouting "hijjja"............so cute.
I always start tearing up when I get overly amped with happiness...it's quite embarrassing really.
It's uncontrollable like vomiting.........out my eyes.
My face gets all red
Not cool.
So, next Thursday she gets fitted for her official robe.........CUTE!!!

I'm excited.

Noah is still an animal.

On a hippie note, I finally figured out a way to make baby hair gel using natural products.....It's honey, melted sugar and a little bit of warm water.....after it sits and solidifies again, it works great and doesn't cake up and holds.........I am going to tweak it a little more and try using less honey......but it's a start.

I am starting slowly making my own products.........slowly, very slowly. I am tired of paying a million dollars for simple stuff I can make myself.

Mascara is easy to make, I am going to try that next.

Soap is my big goal.








Driving

I am getting older.
Wrinkles are forming on my forehead, really :(
My layers are peeling.
I am starting to see the light.

Is it passion that makes us thrive?
Do we need something to strive for, something to believe in?

I have the privileged of knowing a woman named Iliona. You couldn't tell from her tiny physique, but she explodes with passion and drive to achieve amazing things and has accomplished amazing things.
Devotion is her middle name.
It's very inspiring.
Even when confronted with many obstacles, she keeps working towards the future, the next project.

I've seen what ONE person can do.
One person can really make a difference in this world. Just one.
The ripple affect.
 
Most people have something they believe in, whether it be politics, family, school, cooking, work or God.
Or the NON-belief in god.  Or NOT being political. Or hating Obama, (it's a passion for some).
It's what gets people to talk to on another, even if it's an argument.
But you can see it.
Even if you don't agree, it's amazing to see the passion in someones eyes, the devotion to live another day working towards that goal, whatever it may be.

My eyes are peeling opening.......

I'm pecking at my shell....

I'm getting out of this mindset of limitation...
One person is all it takes.







New Perspective


There she was......the girl.
The pool was semi-warm, the kids were splashing away and Sarah was swimming around, when she bobbled by......it's the same girl who wanted nothing to do with Sarah. The "rejector."

Except this time, she was by herself...no twin sister?

And Sarah, forgetting about the last incident, swam over to play with her.
My face was tense...uh oh.
Gulp.

But this time, the girl acknowledge her....even told her, her name..
..........what!?

The world isn't filled with demon children who neglect to give out names to innocent little girls???!!!
Ok, maybe not, DEMON children.
And maybe not innocent.

It was a good day.

But an upside down learning curve!

School doesn't seem so scary anymore.
It brought me back to grade school.
I remember having some REALLY bad, embarrassing days. But you have your friends to help you, laugh with you and build you up to a good one.
Or when one of your major crushes, you have been giggling about and writing notes for, has acknowledges your existence by stepping on your toe between classes.
Their are plenty of good days too.

Ah,Boys.
It's what got me through high school.


I don't know how I feel anymore. You want to shelter your kids. But, why?
But what am I asking for? For her to NEVER feel sad, lonely, upset or angry?
Do I really want her not to experience all of these emotions?
She already has on her own.
She will continue to in the future no matter how much I try to shield her from it.....something as little as a broken pencil could ruin her day. Then what, never let her use a pencil?

Do I worry about girl getting pregnant for kicks in High School....YES!
Do I worry about her drinking?....yes.
Do I worry about boys.......................................................

What do I want for her, what is the ideal life to live???
Do I want her to go to college for 24 years just to have to pay off loans for the rest of her life, and in return not even know if she will be guaranteed a job???
College is a good path to take, no matter the outcome, you still have the knowledge.
Or do I want her to settle down, get married and start a family???
Or an actress?
Photographer?

I guess she will figure out what she wants......but I think it's our responsibility to guide our kids in a certain direction that seems fit.....but what direction is that...??
I would be happy if she found a man, who truly loved her and started a family.....but is that something you want to guide her to???
Isn't COLLEGE the right choice?
What if that is not what makes her happy? Isn't that what you usually end up doing anyways after college, start a family?
What is going to make her feel fulfilled or accomplished?
I guess success in life is really determined by you.
I don't want her to feel she has to steer in a certain direction to be happy. 

I do know, I want her to appreciate what she has, instead of what she doesn't.
I guess we'll start there.

I just hope she stays happy.

Maybe not ALL the time.
But continues to be optimistic.
Tomorrow, you might get that name.










Sofa King Tired

Boogers are everywhere.

It's snot going away.
Are my kids still sick, or getting better?
I don't know anymore.

My husband and I are going to the YMCA to work up a sweat......
.......in the hot tub.
I am so tired I just want to bask in the bubbly box of sweaty man water.
I don't care if it is filled with overweight, half naked, hairy, middle aged creepers.
I am soakin'.

Somehow, I ended up 20 minutes late dropping Sarah off at school, which is funny because I had them both dressed and ready by 8:00, school doesn't even start until 9:15...where did the time drain off to? UGH!

So, we have our first Martial Arts appointment tomorrow.....this is either going to go good, or extremely bad. You never know how Sarah is going to react.

We took her to Family Fun Time at the Mall, hosted by Radio Disney...woo disney...yey...ahem.....
.....kids were singing and dancing, they were giving out cool prizes..... she started dancing along then wigged out.
We still don't know what happened.
She was the only one crying to LEAVE.....

So, to prepare for her martial meeting, we watched a video of a young girl going  to her first class. Warm her up a bit.
I'm crossing my fingers she doesn't get freaked out.
We'll see.

Noah is the one who needs to be in karate....that boy is out of control.
He will attack a pillow so fast, you won't even know what happened.
He even growls when he pees.
It sounds someone washing off a tarp with a pressure washer. He's an animal.


Maybe I'll take a nap...
ha.







Valentine's Dread


The dreaded Valentines Day.

Deep down, I really dislike Valentines Day.

Having a boyfriend on Valentines day means that don't have to stress over the disappointment of not getting flowers or chocolate, right?
It's depressing to see everyone around you get cute surprises and vases with lilies, I love lilies.
Every woman loves flowers...... unless you have allergies.

So, the first Valentines Day with Ali, I was excited.
Finally...... I get flowers.

I worked in an office at that time, the day was filled with candy and balloons, all the women were gloating and smiling from gifts from their significant others.
Even a lady who had major marital issues got FLOWERS.

So far, nothing.

I was thinking, Ali is such a great boyfriend, he is so caring and loving, and loves me a lot. Ali always comes to the office and brings me coffee or lunch.....I can't wait to see what he is going to get me for Valentines Day.....

Still, nothing....

I'm thinking...."He is probably getting flowers somewhere, that's why he's late".....
More giggles in the halls...."Oh they look so pretty, are those daisies?"..

Still no Ali.

At this point I called. "Hey honey, Happy Valentines Day, what are you doing?"

"Oh, just driving around with Munch"

at this point it was almost 4 p.m., my balloon of gloating had bursted, he's not getting me flowers.

I couldn't understand why he hadn't planned a cute surprise...isn't that what boyfriends do????

I wasn't single.
It was Valentines Day.
I want flowers.

I was so hurt and disappointed...he eventually showed up with a disposable camera and a photo album...it was cute, but I wanted flowers.

Poor Ali.

He argued,  "I do special things for you everyday"
I thought he was just boycotting Valentines Day, "You cant just get me flowers, ONE DAY????"....I said.

I actually became angry with him, it ruined the rest of the day.....Valentines Day, a day to celebrate love.


The next Valentines Day was an awkward day of gift exchange...........do you feel better now?

It has totally lost it's appeal.

I look back on this now and laugh at how stupid and shallow I was.
It's taken a couple of years, but I realized Ali is not "that" kinda guy.  We both plan something simple to do together. No more surprises, it works out better this way.

But frankly, I wish I could just blow that Holiday off the calendar...because it's a set up....
People who don't have a significant other, can feel like outsiders and lonely.
I've been there....it's not fun.

But when you have a "spouse," you think your in the clear, but it becomes a whole other day of "how much does your husband/boyfriend loves you, based on gifts"......
Has anyone else notice it has become a day of ....."One Up-ing."
Who has the biggest bouquet?
A whole relationship can't be based on how many chocolate coated hearts, or red roses you get?

Where is that calendar and my nun-chucks.


YOU CANT GET ME VALENTINES DAY!!!

















YMCA = You Might C Apes



"It's fun to stay at the.
YYY...MMM....CC....
A
-A
-AA
-AAAAA-
-AAAAA
-AAA....a-ooooooohhh myyyyyyy god,
reeeemix."


Yesterday, after almost 5 days lock inside our dungeon-ous home........we escaped!

We went to the YMCA.

I hadn't shaved my legs in three days, been out in 5, the kids were still slightly sick....okay they were still oozing, but it was past the "contagious" phase  and I was angry at NationalGrid for royally screwing us out of our money......
so I decided to sit it out while the fam splashed away their boogers and pent up energy
they were having a blast...

WHY didn't I shave my legs that morning!!!!
I stared at that razor too.
I saw you razor!
We have a love/ hate relationship.

Then I noticed a man with back hair equivalent to a small premature monkey and said to myself, "ummm, screw it"

Once my body adjusted to the cooler temperature I was splashing around like Daryl Hanna!

Sorry, I have to interrupt my story, because I am listening to the radio and "Girl you know it's True" by Milli Vanilli just came on the radio....

"ooo ooo ooo I love yoooouuuuu"




back to my story.

I am learning more and more about not let my emotions get the best of me, and also letting my self conscience issues get in the way of having fun, because if you look around, everyone is imperfect......in fact, if I think about it, I have never come across anyone who didn't have some sort of "flaw."

I feel like P-Diddy...."can't no body hold me dooown.."
except I am white,
and he probably pays someone to wax him.
and drives a BMW.
and has a record deal.
and doesn't have to pay for YMCA membership because he has his own pool and doesn't have to share so he wouldn't really need to worry about body hair, or clothes for that matter.


Well.
I'm not sitting out anymore.







Cabin fever

Fever is the focal point here, both of the kids have been sick for 4 days going on 5, and I am stuck in my "cabin".

Not just slight colds......
Fevers
Boogers
Snot
Mucus
Conjunctivitis!

You can't go anywhere with conjunctivitis.....

I am beyond bored.
Unless the kids wake up miraculously booger free.
We are stuck at home ANOTHER day.
......
.....
....
*obnoxious SIGH*..................
......
.......

There are only so many times one person can watch a Disneyland Vacation DVD.
Ali said he doesn't even want to go anymore because he feels like we have already been there, we could probably give people a tour of the place.

I didn't even mention Barney.


*sigh*

What is it?

About Zombies?

Does anyone else have an obsession with everything ZOMBIE?!!!.
It's like I am one of those nerdy star wars fanatics, but Luke and Darth are mindless rotting corpses.

If their was a Zombie convention, I would dress up like a zombie and just hang with other people obsessed with zombies who are dressed up like zombies.
Would I dress up my kids like little Zombie babies...........yes.

I have repedetive dreams about slaying zombies. I have every scenario down, trapped in a car or house, where to get gas for vehicles how to stock up on food.
When their is a zombie appocolypse, I will be ready, ankle sheath and all.

I realized, after reading this "great" (bad) novel about ANOTHER zombie apocalypse that was recommended on the back of my zombie comic, that, the only books I have read in the past 5 years were ALL about zombies......besides the Twilight series.

WHAT IS IT!?

I just almost dived into another book, then I stopped myself.
I think I have a problem.
Maybe I am just unhappy with the outcomes of the books. How different I would do things. Maybe I just haven't found a book that left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside. But how fuzzy can you feel? This last book Pariah by Bob Fingerman, had the most depressing end.

*SPOILER ALERT*

 It just left you with unanswered question and it's driving me crazy.
UGH
I hate when books are so awesome in the beginning, and your happy, you sit down shaking from excitement with your snack and such, then you get to the middle and it kinda gets boring, your thinking, "it's gonna get cool soon, woo hoo wee" shaking again because your waiting for the, "climax". Then BAM.
The book ends.
No clear layout of the future
Do they live or die?

The book ended like this:


"With Dave gone from a grief-inspired suicide-his evicted husk still lingered outside staring up at the building-it came down to Alan, dabney, and the two women. Cozy. Dabney, who'd abandoned his rooftop shack in favor of more conventional digs, had lightened up on the boozing., though he still enjoyed a dram on occasion. He entered the living room openeing a jar of salsa. The chips were alredy on the table. He took his seat and dipped a chip."

THE END.

Ya.
Great.
A chip dipped.
That's great.
Ass.
Screw you Bob.

Rejected

"Can't sit here."
Those dreadful words replaying over and over in my head.
Those heart wrenching scenes in Forest Gump, after he was sent off by his over-protective mother on his first school bus ride, only to be rejected by every kid on the school bus.
"Can't sit he-yah"
Thank god for Jenny.

Sarah had a Forest moment.

She has been having so much fun swimming. Most days she find a buddy to play with.
Usually boys, but we won't go there.

It's enlightening to see how much she is becoming independent in her play, she is very interactive, cheerful and always introduces herself to ANYONE who will listen.
She sees two twin girls, about the age of 7, laughing, playing and jumping.
She swam over giggling all the way, excited to have some friends. I hear some giggles and thought it was the sound of them playing together but I noticed that the girl was watching her twin sister, not Sarah, who at this point was in her face, a little bit intrusive.
She introduces herself.
"What is your name, I'm Sarah Vargonen?"
The girl didn't even notice her.
Sarah was staring at her, she repeated, only louder this time.
"What is your name?"
Louder, "What is your name?"
"My name is Sarah Aaliyah Vargonen"
The girl wasn't even fazed.

At this point, I am watching, crushed.
My heart is racing, I'm thinking, "please, acknowledge her, just say your name."
I was so excited to see my reserved Sarah blossoming into a social 4 year old, trying to make friends.

No answer, not even eye contact.

Sarah swam away, still giggling, remaining optimistic.
The girls remained laughing and pretending. They were very much in their own pretend fantasy/mermaid land. Sarah then says,
"Watch this, I can do a rocket, hey guys, look I can do a rocket ship!"
At this point, they swam off....
She looked at me.
I looked at her and said
"WOW, cooooool"

She was rejected.

How could anyone reject my bobbly bubble of love.
MY, is the key word, here. My love.

I am not ready for this.
Kindergarten is this year.
I can't stand the thought of someone being mean to her.
They weren't even being mean.
Just playing, without her. Not including her.

At least I know she will always have us cheering her on in the sidelines.

I take comfort in knowing, we will be her friend and accept her for who she is, no matter what it is.

Nostalgia is seeping through my veins today.

Ugh, this growing up thing sucks.


Top Ten of Two Thousand Ten

It's a little late, but I wanted to write about my favorite things I discovered in 2010.

Here are my top ten twelve things I love for kids, myself and our family.


1.) Melissa & Doug, Pound and Peg.
2.) Beefalo, a cross between a cow and a bison...the best meat out there! OMG!
3.) Fuzzibunz, way better than G-diapers. So comfy.
4.) Tarte makeup,  made without some harsh chemicals found in makeup.
5.) Bisson 3 in 1 vaccum, this thing is gods gift to parents.
6.) Panasonic Portable DVD players, this has been the best investment, besides our washer and dryer. When kids start to have meltdowns, just turn on Tinkerbell!


7.) Our dishwasher, need I say more.
]
8.) Kids activity books, Sarah will sit and do connect the dots and mazes until she blisters.

9.) Pixiwoo.com, the coolest makeup youtubers,
10.) Discovery Toys Peg Board, this toy is so fun, both Sarah and Noah love it!
I
11.) Dark wash skinny jeans....makes any frumpy shirt look fancy.
12.) The Walking Dead, I am obsessed with the show and comic. Zombies are cool.