Sarah's first attempt.

  • Last year's, "I grew at Preschool" do it yourself, tie-dye shirt. - $5.00
  • Light Blue "mom jean" style spandex pants.                            -  $2.00
  • Package of pink sparkly hair scrunchies for "night night bun"..  - $1.00

Having the satisfaction of picking out your first outfit and putting it on all by your biggie girl self. 



I hate fighting

I hate conflict

I like to be happy.

My beloved husband and I spent the majority of his day off yesterday, arguing.


Noah was following me around all morning not wanting to leave my side, 'signing' the word "milk". Now that he has learned this, that's ALL he wants,"milk," "milk," "milk!" and frankly, I'm tired....

I was at my boilling point.

We needed to go clean our old house (cringe) which we BOTH don't want to do on our day off.  It was 12:30., Noah needed a nap and the only way to get him to, was to get in the car and drive. It's the only way he falls asleep.
So, I turn around to see if my husband was getting ready to go and......
he is sitting, playing HALO!

Now, HALO, is a touchy topic. My husband feels like I hate him playing, but that's not the case. I hate him playing when I have a child screaming on my leg and a 4 year old bouncing off my arm.....

yes, THEN, I hate HALO.

So, I started to pack up tired little Noah, perfectly content with going alone. And of course, Ali jumps up, mid game, tension brews, and it was a downward spiral after that.

No wonder it looks like I am the  "Halo Hating Housewife"

The one thing I am learning to do, is to talk. Talk about what is bothering me.
It helps.
We talked, and came to conclusion that, we both are striving for the same thing. He wants to be able to play his game once and while, I want some time to myself too.

SO, who wins?

If I let him play, then I'm doing all the work, If he let's me, then he's doing all the work.
So, how do we solve this situation?
We had a routine, I get up early and do "my thing." He stays up late and "plays his game."
It was working?

I think it boils down to the fact that we really hate cleaning our old house (cringe).
It's stressing us out.

So, when my husband gets home from lunch, I am going to do some major butt-kissing and fanny pinching, if he is still mad, I will force my love on him, shower him with kisses and tease him about his hair being a mess or his long eyebrow hair that pokes out like an owl.
The thing about fighting is, their is a happy moment when your husband finally looks you in the eye after avoiding it all day and when his grumpy face turns into a smile. He takes you in his arms for a long overdue hug that says "I still love you," even though you are a crazy, nagging, Halo hating, wife.

I am going to get that hug dammit!

Wish me luck ;)

The Price of Z's

My parents are here for the holidays, which means.
Long discussion on politics and society.

My passion in life is living a "healthy one," the healthiest I can in this day.
After researching what we were eating I came to discover what really happens from seed to table. And I didn't like what I found.

So, my family has decided to switch to an Organic lifestyle.
I can say that I feel a hundred times better, more active, less hungry and my stomach problems have dwindled. Thanks to a great organic whole food store in Albany, we can live this lifestyle, with a few sacrifices financially.

My problem is that, I feel like an outsider.

I think people understand that eating organic is better. It's hard to decline foods that you know have stuff in it you are trying to avoid like chemicals, preservatives, and genetically modified ingredients. I don't want to put into my body, unless I have to.
 It's hard to fight for this cause because it makes you look ungrateful.

I have learned as a breastfeeding mother that you have to be strong willed in order to do so, and this is now falling into eating organic as well. When you breastfeed you feel the constant scrutiny of others looking down on you or making other uncomfortable. Which is sad, this is what our society has come to. The most natural thing for a baby has now been ripped away due to a few uncomfortable people who can't get over that fact that its a BOOB. Even though, this is the best thing for a baby.

I realized that parenting is not easy, you have to be strong. Stronger than ever. Because it's tough.
Being a stay at home, breastfeeding, organic mother is something I have to really work hard for and sacrifice because it is not easily accustomed to do in this day in age.
We are struggling financially, life would be easier if I worked. It really hard for a mom to stay home and survive, unless your spouse makes like 20 dollars an hour or more. Breastfeeding is important.  There is something special that happens, security, being close to mother's skin. We are mammals right!?

I needed sleep.
Noah wasn't sleeping.
Books told me, "he should be sleeping"

Maybe we should do what we did with Sarah...let her cry. We let her sleep with us the first year of life and decided one day, WE WANT OUR BED BACK.  We put her in her crib each night, she would cry and we would cave in. Then after a rough sleepless night with her in our bed, we gave her kisses, put her in her crib, and let her cry. It was mostly a whine, it was hard, but we were weak emotionally suffering with exhaustion. Sleep was like a drug and we needed a hit.
She slept in her crib that night, instead of our bed, which was what we wanted, but at what price? Everyone said this is what they did and it worked. Why didn't it feel good.

I didn't even sleep.

Noah was nursing still about 3 times a night...I needed sleep. I need a fix. Everyone says, let him cry a little bit, "kids need to LEARN to go to sleep on their own, you have to teach them".
It worked with Sarah right?!
Well, we let him cry for maybe a minute then that tugging at my heart gave in.
The guilt.
The next day, I researched different ways to get a baby to sleep. You leave the room for 10 minutes, come back, soothe them (don't hold them) and leave for another 10 and repeat until they fall asleep on their own....because baby's need to be "taught" to sleep.....this was the most common method.

But I discovered that babies don't know you are coming back. They have no concept of time. So, they feel scared and abandon. After so many times, they realize you are not coming back and give up and learn to soothe themselves in other ways, only because they don't have any other choice or too tired to resist. They tend to use other methods of soothing themselves, ear pulling, pacifiers, stuffed animals and thumb sucking.

I let her cry.
She sucks her thumb.

Their is nothing worse than knowing you made a mistake as a parent.My heart hurts typing that. Did she feel abandoned?

My lesson was a hard one. My kids need to come first. How long will Noah be nursing for? I don't know. Even if he cries at night just to be held, I should hold him. I want him to know I will always be there.

I threw out all the baby books.

Even though I am not a huge fan of breastfeeding. I fight every day to do it, just so I can give my kids what I feel is the best start in life. As for Sarah, she still sucks her thumb and I will let her until she is ready to give it up, because her thumb was there for her, when I wasn't.
Noah still gets up at night, I am tired, but I hope that my efforts will make him happier and feel secure and grow up to be a confident person. I think Sarah will be fine too, she knows she is loved and everytime she gets up and want to be in "mommy and daddy's bed," we let her.
It may be an uncomfortable, cramped, attention coughing night, but we do it for her.

Hopefully, it will make up for those few nights, of those pricey Z's.

Happy Thanksgiving!


I turned to Ali one day when I was pregnant with Sarah and said, "I just feel like she is going to be different." He kinda looked at me like I was crazy. We had ultrasounds, she looked fine, she was growing at a perfect rate and moving around like normal.
But, for some reason I felt their was something different about her. I didn't know what it was?
Well, it all make sense now.
Our daughter is special.
Like, weird, special.
Apparently, I was so "weird" as a child, my parents thought I was mentally handicapped because I would be in another universe most of the time and not paying attention in school. I've seen videos, I had  that glazed over look of  "imagination land".
Half the time I was a mermaid, the other, Ace Ventura Pet Detective.
So, they did a series of  I.Q tests, to make sure I wasn't slow.
Turns out, I was smart!, just wierd.
When Sarah was born, she wasn't your typical baby. She wasn't all bubbly and smiley, cooing and laughing. She was observant and selective. She was very smart, but never let anyone know it. She like things a certain way and that was it. Now that she has gotten older, and her personality is blooming, we can kinda see her personality more. Especially now that she is around other kids her age.She's is in her own universe of fluff and pretend and full of humor, she cracks me up!  I couldn't be more proud.

Which brings me to my point.

We went to her preschool yesterday for the "Thanksgiving snack feast", I noticed the 4 year old's bulletin board filled with laminated turkeys' that had, "What I am thankful for" written on each one. I start reading....

  • I am thankful for my daddy- Dean
  • I am thankful for my dog- Zeus
  • I am thankful for my mommy - Allison

How cute!!! Some where even funny like...

  • I am thankful for Toy Story 3 - Caleb
  • I am thankful for my princess wand.- Natalia

I am SO excited to see what Sarah's was thankful for. So, I am searching for Sarah's, with a stupid smile on my face.  Will she say mommy or daddy? Noah maybe? Thumbelina?......
and then I read..........

  • I am thankful for tents. - Sarah

We have never been camping?
Does she know what a tent is?
tent? I said.
Never a dull moment.
Maybe we'll get her a tent for Christmas?

Noah is ONE!

To my sweet little man who was born one year ago today.

Fo' Real

and they lived happily ever after.........

That seems to be the story right? Every girly, Disney movie seems to follow those guidlines. Are we setting our kids up for dissapointment?

It all started after I decided to have a movie night with Sarah. Now, I usually turn on a movie for her while I clean and do other things.
This time, I decided to sit down and watch Thumbelina with her.
If you haven't heard the story, the mother desperately wants a child, so, she wished on a flower and out popped a girl. But, she was the size of a walnut.
Kinda messed up right?
Why not magically give her a normal sized girl?
Cruel joke.
ANYWAYS, she is desperate to find someone her "size." So much so, she is going into a depression and starts singing and dancing with herself. Suddenly a fairy prince flies by, sneaks in through her window, hears her sing, sings back, they go for a ride on a bee, and BAM, they are in love.
20 minutes is all it took.
I turned to Sarah and said, "honey, that is not the way life is...first of all, you don't let some strange guy in your window and start singing with him, you yell for HELP or call 911.
Second, you don't get on a bee with some strange guy who is wearing tights and carrying a weapon. And Third, they are not in love honey, not at 16, they are just confused."

She wasn't listening.

After they say their very dramatic farewells for the night, she gets kidnapped. Then for the rest of the movie she is seeking home (her mother), and the prince, who she plans to MARRY as soon as they are together again?!?
Come onnnnnnn.

I look over and Sarah's little face is lit up.
Will she anticipate a "prince" coming to pick her up and drive her around in his Toyota and sing to her about her beauty? I hope not.
What happens after Princess Jasmine and Aladdin have a kid? What are they going to sing about at 2:00 a.m in the morning when the baby is screaming and needs to be changed and fed???? I hardly think Cinderella would be singing her way through childbirth either.

We need realism.

Ariel 5, The Secrets.- Ariel finds out she has a half sister after discovering about her fathers affairs, 19 years ago. Watch as she magically transforms back into a mermaid, swims unda the sea in search of her long lost sister.  After she discovers her father's skanky past, she falls into a depdepresn. Lost and confused, this leads her to drink a lot, then she wind up in the arms of another man, Sebastian. Will she confess, or will she keep it a secret from Prince Eric?

Now THAT'S a story.

Okay, maybe not....


Merry Holiday

Christmas time is coming!!!! This is my favorite time of year. OH YAH.
I don't know what it is?
Is it the coziness of warm blankets?
The twinkling lights outside? The smell of apple cider and pine? The snow?
Ugh, no.
The family togetherness? The gift giving? The tree???????????
Or is it the fact that my mother is a CHRISTMAS FANATIC and has bestowed this craziness onto me.
Yes, it's true. I am a Christmas junkie. I eat, breath and molest this stuff.
I roll around on top of pine needles just to smell like a Christmas tree. I play Christmas music in November and shop on black friday.
Now that we have kids, it's getting worse.

But....there's one small catch....

My husband is Muslim.

This was the only thing that was hard for us (me) to come to terms with.
Santa...or NO Santa?
The celebration of Jesus Christ's birthday was a given....but Santa??? He's make believe anyway???
Why not lie to your child and tell them there is an overweight old man with poor grooming habits sliding down your non-existent fireplace flying on reindeer with a shinning nose birth defect, that lights his way?
It's Christmas!!!

Well, luckily, we go to my mother's for Christmas every year, we can both be EXTREMELY festive together...literally, because we seem to be the only ones around. WEEELLL, at least we have each other to pump the other one up.  Their is NO frowning in December, we will make you festive whether you like it or not.
My poor husband, and stepfather have to endure this every year.
I see a glimpse of my future every time I visit my parents.
We end up crashing 2 days before Christmas and fighting about tinsel, or something stupid like bow placement.
My husband, being the great man he is, has accepted this whole, foreign, Santa thing. So, I think this year is going to be even more fun because Sarah is 4 and already amped about Christmas, thanks to my sudden random outburst of excitement..."SARAH, SANTA IS COMING!"
This sums it up.
She'll catch on.
Tis' the season!


It's been an exhausting few days.
Having sick children is no fun. You can't go anywhere because your baby is quarantined and you are fighting exhaustion from sleepless nights.

Now, I feel like crap and my kids are full of energy. What gives?

My husband and I are exhausted.

We need some alone time, desperately.
We tend to get so wrapped up the kids, it leaves us no time for "quality time".
But, it's worth it.
We've accepted that, our time will come, when the kids get older. Doing things we liked to do, before kids, with have to wait, and we are okay with that.
It's their time now. We'll get our time back.
I am looking forward to the day  we can take a night away, just the two of us. We did that a lot when we first met. We would plan spontaneous trips to Lake Tahoe and Reno. Even with the kids, we would stay up in Lake George for a night, just to get away, but money is short now.Too short. I am almost thinking of getting a part-time job, just so we don't have to live sooooo frugally.
But, who needs trips anyway. We have fun now. We just do things more, "kid friendly", that's all.
Soon, our kids will be grown up and out of the house, living their own lives with their kids, and I will probably suffer from severe "empty-nest syndrome," and start begging the kids to come home.
We'll, not that soon.

Green means go.

Not today.
Green actually means, don't.

Because the second I saw the green snot oozing from Noah's nose. I knew....we aren't going anywhere.

There is nothing more pitiful than your baby boy sick. Especially when he sounds like Darth Vader with asthma.
Snot is everywhere. On his nose, mouth, on the couch, his arms, Sarah, and in his hair. Then he looks up at you like, "mom, please it's in my mouth."
Poor guy.
I've given him 3 baths today. He wails if I don't, literally, hold him in there. My skin is pleading for some moisture, my hands are cracking just typing this.
But now, he is asleep.
Sarah is outside with daddy playing with the neighbor boys.
She loves them.
Boys, I mean.
No really, she LOVES boys.
It's actually quite frightening.
I had a mom from her school tell me she thinks Sarah and her son, Zeus, are in love because they hold hands and kiss at school. KISS!  My eye kinda twitched a little. I had a horrific flashback of myself as a tween. Man.
It's Snot-fest 2010 in the Vargonen residence.

Time flies when you get old.

Noah is turning one.

In ELEVEN days..............
.............................can someone please tell me where my baby went?
All I did was blink.
Who is this little boy? When did he get a personality? When did he start to protest things? wrestle? When did he start fighting with his sister, I thought I had at least 2 years before that would be and issue? And why is his fanny way smaller than the rest of his body?
I feel old
and nauseous.
I have to make a cake for this birthday, a birthday I disapprove of. Yay, let's celebrate the fact that your little baby is becoming a toddler...then a teen...then an adult...... with chest hair.........cake time!


I haven't even started a plan of action for his party, and that is not like me.
 I am going to make a pirate cake, that's all. sigh.

Hopefully it will be better than the flour-less, crispy, oatmeal cookies I attempted yesterday. I was stuck at home ALL DAY without a car to flee the coup, so I was desperately seeking activities to keep my daughter from wigging out and destroying something else......I hate being stuck at home. This has bursted the teeny ounce of giddy-ness I had for snow to come. I forget those days of being stranded at home with a hyperactive 4 year old. Where's California when you need it!? I would like to invite California to come stay at my house for the winter. You can sleep with us, I will spoon you.
Ahhhhh sunshine....
I am imagining the sun's rays on my face, the smell of grass and oranges.
California smells like oranges.

New York smells like qu-offee. Black, bitter, cold, coffee.



Yup, its 6:26 a.m., I am up, drinking my coffee, checking my emails. This has become a ritual for me for as long as I remember. Even when I was a hard core "partier," livin' the single life, I would wake up 6:30 a.m.and run to 7-11 for a crappy cup of coffee and some chalky Atkin's breakfast bar. Uck. That stuff can't be good for you, and for the record, don't try the Atkin's diet, I almost died from starch deprivation. BFL! (Bread for Life!)

I was thinking, ..... I think a lot, this is why I think having a blog will help me expel these thoughts. I am thinking about thinking, it's never ending.
I think, as a part of the mammal species, we need to socialize and be around other. Family is important, sometimes they drive you crazy, and sometimes, they're there when you crack.
I remember ( I remember a lot to), when I first met Ali, we would have late night soup eating with his father at the family table. Ali has a big family, and they all lived together, spaced out, but together.
I always felt awkward during soup time,they wouldn't talk much, and I HATE awkward silences, I avoid it like the word "juices" and "panties," uhhh, I avoid it so much so, that I have come to loath talking on the phone. I dread those 5 minutes of awkward silences you share with someone you are unfamiliar with. Gives me the chills. Anyways, we would sit down, slurp soup and chat, and this would usually be at night around 8:30 p.m., which was WAY past my bedtime, so I would be droopy from exhaustion, struggling to say SOMETHING.  They were probably wondering what Ali was thinking with his choice for a girlfriend who was extremely socially awkward and drunk. Sleep deprivation was like taking 3 shot of tequila for me. Not pretty.
Those moments I miss now. After moving out to New York I really bonded with his family. Now, I can't picture my life without them, and wish we could have late night soups again. It makes you want to live closer, because every time you are around each other you seem happier. When we left our weekly family dinner yesterday, Ali and I were talking and laughing... and I blurt out..."I had a great time." it sounded weird because I said it like I was on a date with his family or something, like, "Oh, we really hit it off." But, its true, I did have a good time. Why was dinner so fun? Why did I have this stupid smirk on my face?  I got to do my mother in laws hair and makeup, but I do that all the time? I got to have dessert, but that happens a lot to?
SO, what I want to know is, what is it about being around family that makes me so happy?


My Sister in law, Laura has an infectious laugh and will usually laugh at my corny jokes, I know I can always joke with her, especially about gross and perverted stuff...My Brother in Law, Joe, I can always beat up and expect the same in return......My B.I.L Ahmet, I can always make fun of, wellllll, because he looks like a mix between PBS's Cailou and  Justin Timberlake......My S.I.L. Melissa, I know will always be dancing by my side.....My Brother in Law, Metin, who I can depend on to teach me something new.........My Sister in Law, Jessi, who will always get me to watch chick flicks that I normally wouldn't watch but end up enjoying..........My Mother in Law, Anne, who I can always talk with for hours about makeup and girly stuff........My mom, who will always answer the phone even when I have absolutely nothing to say and be there to talk to, along with my Aunt cousin Melissa, who makes me laugh like no one else.......My father in law..who guides me spiritually........and so on and so on....... I got it!

Each family member boils into the pool of a perfect friend.....someone to laugh, dance, cry, joke, listen and help guide you through life.
I am grateful for that.
Thank you.

P.S. We should do this again sometime..wink.

Zip it, lock it, put it in your pocket.

The first three months of Sarah's life was a blur of tears, nipple slips and poopy pants. Ugh, the freshness of being a new parent and knowing NOTHING about babies, especially breastfeeding, I felt like I was never going to think of my chest as a sort of pleasurable package again. And the teeth, oh god, the teeth that Sarah had sprouted.....well let's just say we ended it soon after.
There is always so much you want to ram down a new parents throat, like, OH you might just poop while you push your baby out, hope your husband has seen you poop before, because he is going to get an EXTREME close up of your butthole, OH, you might just suddenly start leaking through your shirt in the middle of a mall and have no idea you have quater size wet marks where your nipples are located, OH, you and your baby are not going to sleep for the first YEAR, OH, your husband and you are going to go at it......and not sexually.
BUT, soon life becomes a routine, with child, and you adapt, get comfortable and DO IT ALL AGAIN!!!

The most important thing I have learned is that all parents do things differently. I do not judge other children or parents, because we so easily do. You may think my child walking around the store, 8 feet ahead is "too lenient," but I think your child confined to the cart is, "too over protective."  I have learned to stop judging other parents, because we raise our kids the way we see fit. Is their really a bad parent out there?? Just because you let your kid watch T.V. and I don't, does not make me any better of a parent than you. You let your kid ride a bike without a helmet, I don't. But the way you see it is, "I did this when I was young and I was fine", and I see it as " well I don't want to take a chance" but each parent is loving equally, just differently. You want your kid to feel free like you did as a child so you let them ride with no helmet, because you love them, and I want you to be safer with a helmet because I love you too. So, in a sense, we all LOVE our kids, no matter how much T.V., games, breast or bottle we give them. We are making choices that we feel are right because we love our kids and want what we feel is best.


I was thinking to myself the other day, as I watched my 4 year old daughter frolicking around with her other preschool friends, laughing, swinging, jumping, chasing. Life to them, is.... fun. Besides the occasional spats of tantrums, life is exciting, living. The hardest thing my daughter will have to do is clean up, she really hates it, but to her, it's like the equivilant of me getting on an airplane..I kick and scream and make up excuses why I shouldn't.
When you grow up, things start to happen. People get sick, they die, you get hurt by others, lied to, cheated. You realize people are not so easy to trust. You are told as a kid to always say "Hi" and be nice to others, you realize after a while, people aren't so fuzzy.
Do we shelter our kids because we know years down the road, life is going to get hard and not be so exciting? Do we hang on to the fact that we want our kids to live a good 10 years of their life having the most fun with the least problems, just so they can carry that into the next, not so fun,10 years?  I realize I put her in a bubble, a big ol' pink bubble of  butterflies, games, playtime, laughter, candy and lots of love, because I love her, and I also know that life is going to get hard. Is this wrong? You never know how your child will be when they get older, sometimes it drives me crazy.

I guess, I really want her to continue to love living and get excitement out of life,
the way she does now.

Or maybe it's that face? That face of pure happiness when you show her something new, or sparkly, or give her a lollipop. It's that face! You work all day to get that out of your child because your heart melts like a plastic bowl in an oven, but not as stinky.
So today, when my darling daughter wakes from her princess lair, I am going to, of course, give her her favorite cereal with her favorite spoon and maybe, just maybe, give her chocolate milk instead of regular, Because I'm a funaholic.

One Plus One is Four

But NO MORE! God, the thought of having more kids is scary, eeek. How do people do it and stay sane. They getcha with the hugs and snuggles that make your heart melt, you completely forget the tantrums and time outs.
I remember after eating an extremely large dinner before bath time, I jutted out my stomach and told my daughter "look Mommy is having another baby!," I thought this would make her uspet, she ALREADY had to compete for our attention with Noah, now ANOTHER one. But no.
I think it backfired,
her face lit up like it was the fourth of July's firework finale.
I had to break it to her gently.

One of "THOSE" moments.
Then I thought, wow, you really won't have a sister or another brother. I had a moment there. No more babies, no more 'new baby smell', what would her sibling have look like?  That's it. Our lineage has ended. Sad.

Then her brother started screaming in the other room, and poof, that cloud of baby dust, gone, and I was back to reality.

2 kids is all I need.
Husband not included.