Where do I begin?

Or should I say, where did it end.....

I'm divorced now.

One Plus One Equals?

Last week was the first time I read this blog since my divorce, which happened five years ago. Five. Long. Years. Ago. Like a bad fairytale ending. I didn't want to be reminded of what "was" and wanted to focus on what "is."

I cried like a baby after reading it.

Mostly because my kids were so wittle and cute and precious. Time is a gift. Another big part of my sob-fest 2016, was witnessing the years we were a happy family. It brought out the best qualities in me. Stabs the heart.

It feels like a lifetime ago in a far away land.

My raw truth.
I left.

I left because I wanted to experience something else. I left because I felt overwhelmed, claustrophobic and too young to be where I was in life. I left because I didn't value what a healthy and long lasting relationship could have provide me. I wasn't grown up enough yet to know the importance. I don't beat myself up over that.

I also left because of him.

That boy.

The one you swelled up in hives on your face for as a teen. The one that made you giddy to go to school and motivated you to show up to class, even when you had a history of not doing so.  The boy you used to call into the 'love songs after dark' radio station for, and request songs like, "Crazy for you" by Madonna, and 'I Touch Myself,' which, by the way, I did not actually touch myself at the thought of him, it just sounded sexy. And sexy was not what I was at 15 with bad teeth and boyish hips.

The boy you thought would eventually be yours, and this perfectly cute romantic, adorable, sexy love story would eventually end up your future.

I finally got that boy.

I've kept this part of my life private. Only to my closest friends, have I expressed my guilt of giving up my family for this ridiculous fantasy. He was everything that I didn't have at that time of my life. And everything I thought I wanted for my future.

(insert judgments here)

It only turned out to be the most debilitating relationship I've every experienced. It may not have been all him. I could have held him to standards too high. It could have been the divorce too.

I just couldn't give it up. Even when I knew.
That Boy. I held on to.....with hope.... until our depressing and pathetic drawn out bitter..... 'The End.'

I see it so clear now.

The tainted grass.

Thus is life I suppose.

Sarah and Noah, who have now grown to be 9 & 6. My babies. Both equally as darling as the other. I am so proud them. I still wanna suffocate them most days with my love. I still read them a book every night.
I still look at them the way I did, the first day they were born. Some things have stayed the same. My love for these two.

 

My story, I hope, doesn't end poorly for me. Because I know, as much as we can't see it sometimes. Everything happens for a reason. I enjoy my life. This life. Without The Husband or The Boy, but with just me. Amber. That was my lesson. I'm the one I needed to love, only to start my real beginning.

Amber