You eat WHAT!?

The biggest question I get when people find out we eat organic is "how can you afford that?"

You can afford it, it just takes a little planning, and shopping smart.

Fortunately we have great resources around to be able to continue to eat organic and local foods.
Albany has a community owned Food Co-op called Honest Weight.
They carry meats,dairy, produce, bulk, organic and local products.
The price tag for many things is high.
But they have coupon packets and discounts every month on a lot of products.
Our local Hannaford (supermarket) has graciously invested money into supplying organic fruits and vegetables too, most of it is affordable.
The trick is not buying packaged products like snacks and cereals.
This is where your cost will add up fast.
This has been hard for us to adjust to, when you have kids especially. We do buy snack crackers when they are on sale, but only when they are on sale.
It's become habit to feed them before we go out or do anything and make sure to pack snacks, we learned the hard way.

We also do not buy canned products, due to the overwhelming amount of BPA in the lining of the cans. The only company that has BPA free lining is Eden Organics beans. Which go for $2.20 a can. So we skip out. We buy dry beans and pre-boil them and use that, a much cheaper alternative.

We have saved a lot of money buying bulk foods and is great to have for emergencies.
We have:

Our weekly budget is $150.
This is an example of our weekly dinner meal plan. (accompanied with Salad and a vegetable dish)

Monday: Pizza. 
( Supplies: One jar of strained tomato-for sauce, Cube of Mozzarella cheese)

Tuesday: Chicken scampi
(Chicken, garlic, ginger, oil, pasta)

Wednesday: Lahmajum (turkish pizza)
(Ground Beef, jar tomato paste, parsley, flour, yeast)

Thursday: Tofu Stir Fry
(Tofu, Brocolli, Carrots, onion)

Friday: Chicken & Rice
(Chicken, Rice, Brocolli, Carrots)

Saturday: Shrimp Scampi
(Shrimp, pasta, garlic, ginger, oil)

Sunday: Spaghetti
(Pasta, ground beef, sauce)

Ali will most likely make a potato stew of some sort for weekly lunches.

Most of the stuff we buy is used in other dishes. We buy one jar of strained tomato's and make sauce that we use for other things like pasta dishes. We also recently started buying a whole chicken to roast and use for lots of other things....and stock. We buy 1 pound of ground beef and divide it into two for different things. And a whole bag of Emril's Frozen shrimp and use that for at least 3 meals, its only 7.99

For breakfast we eat oatmeal, peanut butter & bananas on bread or eggs.

Usual Grocery list.:
Brocolli (head)-organic
Carrots (will last more than 1 week)-local
Salad mix-organic
Ginger- (will last more than 1 week)
Cube of Mozzarella
Whole Chicken
1lb of Ground beef or stew meat
One Jar Strained Tomato
One Jar tomato paste
Olive oil (only if on sale)-organic
Frozen veggies

CHECK OUT:  for great organic recipes!

Hope this is helpful. :)


We are rich....

For a couple of hours....

But then we pay off debt...
But for right now, we are thousandaires....hhhmmmmya

I couldn't go back to sleep after Ali whispered at 5 a.m.,
"we are thousandaires".......!!
It's so nice to have some money for a change......
With this we are planning on signing Sarah up for Tai Kwon Do class.
The test runs have been going good.
The teacher Master Yun, is awesome, like REALLY.awesome....he made ME want to go out their and join in...
I teared up a little, after a little warm up, he got Sarah to finally go out with the rest of the kids,
I think it will help her with her confidence. Once she got out their she had a blast, she made a B.F.F. and  was kicking and punching, shouting "hijjja" cute.
I always start tearing up when I get overly amped with's quite embarrassing really.
It's uncontrollable like vomiting.........out my eyes.
My face gets all red
Not cool.
So, next Thursday she gets fitted for her official robe.........CUTE!!!

I'm excited.

Noah is still an animal.

On a hippie note, I finally figured out a way to make baby hair gel using natural products.....It's honey, melted sugar and a little bit of warm water.....after it sits and solidifies again, it works great and doesn't cake up and holds.........I am going to tweak it a little more and try using less honey......but it's a start.

I am starting slowly making my own products.........slowly, very slowly. I am tired of paying a million dollars for simple stuff I can make myself.

Mascara is easy to make, I am going to try that next.

Soap is my big goal.


I am getting older.
Wrinkles are forming on my forehead, really :(
My layers are peeling.
I am starting to see the light.

Is it passion that makes us thrive?
Do we need something to strive for, something to believe in?

I have the privileged of knowing a woman named Iliona. You couldn't tell from her tiny physique, but she explodes with passion and drive to achieve amazing things and has accomplished amazing things.
Devotion is her middle name.
It's very inspiring.
Even when confronted with many obstacles, she keeps working towards the future, the next project.

I've seen what ONE person can do.
One person can really make a difference in this world. Just one.
The ripple affect.
Most people have something they believe in, whether it be politics, family, school, cooking, work or God.
Or the NON-belief in god.  Or NOT being political. Or hating Obama, (it's a passion for some).
It's what gets people to talk to on another, even if it's an argument.
But you can see it.
Even if you don't agree, it's amazing to see the passion in someones eyes, the devotion to live another day working towards that goal, whatever it may be.

My eyes are peeling opening.......

I'm pecking at my shell....

I'm getting out of this mindset of limitation...
One person is all it takes.

New Perspective

There she was......the girl.
The pool was semi-warm, the kids were splashing away and Sarah was swimming around, when she bobbled's the same girl who wanted nothing to do with Sarah. The "rejector."

Except this time, she was by twin sister?

And Sarah, forgetting about the last incident, swam over to play with her.
My face was tense...uh oh.

But this time, the girl acknowledge her....even told her, her name..

The world isn't filled with demon children who neglect to give out names to innocent little girls???!!!
Ok, maybe not, DEMON children.
And maybe not innocent.

It was a good day.

But an upside down learning curve!

School doesn't seem so scary anymore.
It brought me back to grade school.
I remember having some REALLY bad, embarrassing days. But you have your friends to help you, laugh with you and build you up to a good one.
Or when one of your major crushes, you have been giggling about and writing notes for, has acknowledges your existence by stepping on your toe between classes.
Their are plenty of good days too.

It's what got me through high school.

I don't know how I feel anymore. You want to shelter your kids. But, why?
But what am I asking for? For her to NEVER feel sad, lonely, upset or angry?
Do I really want her not to experience all of these emotions?
She already has on her own.
She will continue to in the future no matter how much I try to shield her from it.....something as little as a broken pencil could ruin her day. Then what, never let her use a pencil?

Do I worry about girl getting pregnant for kicks in High School....YES!
Do I worry about her drinking?....yes.
Do I worry about boys.......................................................

What do I want for her, what is the ideal life to live???
Do I want her to go to college for 24 years just to have to pay off loans for the rest of her life, and in return not even know if she will be guaranteed a job???
College is a good path to take, no matter the outcome, you still have the knowledge.
Or do I want her to settle down, get married and start a family???
Or an actress?

I guess she will figure out what she wants......but I think it's our responsibility to guide our kids in a certain direction that seems fit.....but what direction is that...??
I would be happy if she found a man, who truly loved her and started a family.....but is that something you want to guide her to???
Isn't COLLEGE the right choice?
What if that is not what makes her happy? Isn't that what you usually end up doing anyways after college, start a family?
What is going to make her feel fulfilled or accomplished?
I guess success in life is really determined by you.
I don't want her to feel she has to steer in a certain direction to be happy. 

I do know, I want her to appreciate what she has, instead of what she doesn't.
I guess we'll start there.

I just hope she stays happy.

Maybe not ALL the time.
But continues to be optimistic.
Tomorrow, you might get that name.

Sofa King Tired

Boogers are everywhere.

It's snot going away.
Are my kids still sick, or getting better?
I don't know anymore.

My husband and I are going to the YMCA to work up a sweat...... the hot tub.
I am so tired I just want to bask in the bubbly box of sweaty man water.
I don't care if it is filled with overweight, half naked, hairy, middle aged creepers.
I am soakin'.

Somehow, I ended up 20 minutes late dropping Sarah off at school, which is funny because I had them both dressed and ready by 8:00, school doesn't even start until 9:15...where did the time drain off to? UGH!

So, we have our first Martial Arts appointment tomorrow.....this is either going to go good, or extremely bad. You never know how Sarah is going to react.

We took her to Family Fun Time at the Mall, hosted by Radio Disney...woo disney...yey...ahem..... were singing and dancing, they were giving out cool prizes..... she started dancing along then wigged out.
We still don't know what happened.
She was the only one crying to LEAVE.....

So, to prepare for her martial meeting, we watched a video of a young girl going  to her first class. Warm her up a bit.
I'm crossing my fingers she doesn't get freaked out.
We'll see.

Noah is the one who needs to be in karate....that boy is out of control.
He will attack a pillow so fast, you won't even know what happened.
He even growls when he pees.
It sounds someone washing off a tarp with a pressure washer. He's an animal.

Maybe I'll take a nap...

Valentine's Dread

The dreaded Valentines Day.

Deep down, I really dislike Valentines Day.

Having a boyfriend on Valentines day means that don't have to stress over the disappointment of not getting flowers or chocolate, right?
It's depressing to see everyone around you get cute surprises and vases with lilies, I love lilies.
Every woman loves flowers...... unless you have allergies.

So, the first Valentines Day with Ali, I was excited.
Finally...... I get flowers.

I worked in an office at that time, the day was filled with candy and balloons, all the women were gloating and smiling from gifts from their significant others.
Even a lady who had major marital issues got FLOWERS.

So far, nothing.

I was thinking, Ali is such a great boyfriend, he is so caring and loving, and loves me a lot. Ali always comes to the office and brings me coffee or lunch.....I can't wait to see what he is going to get me for Valentines Day.....

Still, nothing....

I'm thinking...."He is probably getting flowers somewhere, that's why he's late".....
More giggles in the halls...."Oh they look so pretty, are those daisies?"..

Still no Ali.

At this point I called. "Hey honey, Happy Valentines Day, what are you doing?"

"Oh, just driving around with Munch"

at this point it was almost 4 p.m., my balloon of gloating had bursted, he's not getting me flowers.

I couldn't understand why he hadn't planned a cute surprise...isn't that what boyfriends do????

I wasn't single.
It was Valentines Day.
I want flowers.

I was so hurt and disappointed...he eventually showed up with a disposable camera and a photo was cute, but I wanted flowers.

Poor Ali.

He argued,  "I do special things for you everyday"
I thought he was just boycotting Valentines Day, "You cant just get me flowers, ONE DAY????"....I said.

I actually became angry with him, it ruined the rest of the day.....Valentines Day, a day to celebrate love.

The next Valentines Day was an awkward day of gift you feel better now?

It has totally lost it's appeal.

I look back on this now and laugh at how stupid and shallow I was.
It's taken a couple of years, but I realized Ali is not "that" kinda guy.  We both plan something simple to do together. No more surprises, it works out better this way.

But frankly, I wish I could just blow that Holiday off the calendar...because it's a set up....
People who don't have a significant other, can feel like outsiders and lonely.
I've been's not fun.

But when you have a "spouse," you think your in the clear, but it becomes a whole other day of "how much does your husband/boyfriend loves you, based on gifts"......
Has anyone else notice it has become a day of ....."One Up-ing."
Who has the biggest bouquet?
A whole relationship can't be based on how many chocolate coated hearts, or red roses you get?

Where is that calendar and my nun-chucks.


YMCA = You Might C Apes

"It's fun to stay at the.
-AAA....a-ooooooohhh myyyyyyy god,

Yesterday, after almost 5 days lock inside our dungeon-ous home........we escaped!

We went to the YMCA.

I hadn't shaved my legs in three days, been out in 5, the kids were still slightly sick....okay they were still oozing, but it was past the "contagious" phase  and I was angry at NationalGrid for royally screwing us out of our money......
so I decided to sit it out while the fam splashed away their boogers and pent up energy
they were having a blast...

WHY didn't I shave my legs that morning!!!!
I stared at that razor too.
I saw you razor!
We have a love/ hate relationship.

Then I noticed a man with back hair equivalent to a small premature monkey and said to myself, "ummm, screw it"

Once my body adjusted to the cooler temperature I was splashing around like Daryl Hanna!

Sorry, I have to interrupt my story, because I am listening to the radio and "Girl you know it's True" by Milli Vanilli just came on the radio....

"ooo ooo ooo I love yoooouuuuu"

back to my story.

I am learning more and more about not let my emotions get the best of me, and also letting my self conscience issues get in the way of having fun, because if you look around, everyone is fact, if I think about it, I have never come across anyone who didn't have some sort of "flaw."

I feel like P-Diddy...."can't no body hold me dooown.."
except I am white,
and he probably pays someone to wax him.
and drives a BMW.
and has a record deal.
and doesn't have to pay for YMCA membership because he has his own pool and doesn't have to share so he wouldn't really need to worry about body hair, or clothes for that matter.

I'm not sitting out anymore.

Cabin fever

Fever is the focal point here, both of the kids have been sick for 4 days going on 5, and I am stuck in my "cabin".

Not just slight colds......

You can't go anywhere with conjunctivitis.....

I am beyond bored.
Unless the kids wake up miraculously booger free.
We are stuck at home ANOTHER day.
*obnoxious SIGH*..................

There are only so many times one person can watch a Disneyland Vacation DVD.
Ali said he doesn't even want to go anymore because he feels like we have already been there, we could probably give people a tour of the place.

I didn't even mention Barney.


What is it?

About Zombies?

Does anyone else have an obsession with everything ZOMBIE?!!!.
It's like I am one of those nerdy star wars fanatics, but Luke and Darth are mindless rotting corpses.

If their was a Zombie convention, I would dress up like a zombie and just hang with other people obsessed with zombies who are dressed up like zombies.
Would I dress up my kids like little Zombie babies...........yes.

I have repedetive dreams about slaying zombies. I have every scenario down, trapped in a car or house, where to get gas for vehicles how to stock up on food.
When their is a zombie appocolypse, I will be ready, ankle sheath and all.

I realized, after reading this "great" (bad) novel about ANOTHER zombie apocalypse that was recommended on the back of my zombie comic, that, the only books I have read in the past 5 years were ALL about zombies......besides the Twilight series.


I just almost dived into another book, then I stopped myself.
I think I have a problem.
Maybe I am just unhappy with the outcomes of the books. How different I would do things. Maybe I just haven't found a book that left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside. But how fuzzy can you feel? This last book Pariah by Bob Fingerman, had the most depressing end.


 It just left you with unanswered question and it's driving me crazy.
I hate when books are so awesome in the beginning, and your happy, you sit down shaking from excitement with your snack and such, then you get to the middle and it kinda gets boring, your thinking, "it's gonna get cool soon, woo hoo wee" shaking again because your waiting for the, "climax". Then BAM.
The book ends.
No clear layout of the future
Do they live or die?

The book ended like this:

"With Dave gone from a grief-inspired suicide-his evicted husk still lingered outside staring up at the building-it came down to Alan, dabney, and the two women. Cozy. Dabney, who'd abandoned his rooftop shack in favor of more conventional digs, had lightened up on the boozing., though he still enjoyed a dram on occasion. He entered the living room openeing a jar of salsa. The chips were alredy on the table. He took his seat and dipped a chip."


A chip dipped.
That's great.
Screw you Bob.


"Can't sit here."
Those dreadful words replaying over and over in my head.
Those heart wrenching scenes in Forest Gump, after he was sent off by his over-protective mother on his first school bus ride, only to be rejected by every kid on the school bus.
"Can't sit he-yah"
Thank god for Jenny.

Sarah had a Forest moment.

She has been having so much fun swimming. Most days she find a buddy to play with.
Usually boys, but we won't go there.

It's enlightening to see how much she is becoming independent in her play, she is very interactive, cheerful and always introduces herself to ANYONE who will listen.
She sees two twin girls, about the age of 7, laughing, playing and jumping.
She swam over giggling all the way, excited to have some friends. I hear some giggles and thought it was the sound of them playing together but I noticed that the girl was watching her twin sister, not Sarah, who at this point was in her face, a little bit intrusive.
She introduces herself.
"What is your name, I'm Sarah Vargonen?"
The girl didn't even notice her.
Sarah was staring at her, she repeated, only louder this time.
"What is your name?"
Louder, "What is your name?"
"My name is Sarah Aaliyah Vargonen"
The girl wasn't even fazed.

At this point, I am watching, crushed.
My heart is racing, I'm thinking, "please, acknowledge her, just say your name."
I was so excited to see my reserved Sarah blossoming into a social 4 year old, trying to make friends.

No answer, not even eye contact.

Sarah swam away, still giggling, remaining optimistic.
The girls remained laughing and pretending. They were very much in their own pretend fantasy/mermaid land. Sarah then says,
"Watch this, I can do a rocket, hey guys, look I can do a rocket ship!"
At this point, they swam off....
She looked at me.
I looked at her and said
"WOW, cooooool"

She was rejected.

How could anyone reject my bobbly bubble of love.
MY, is the key word, here. My love.

I am not ready for this.
Kindergarten is this year.
I can't stand the thought of someone being mean to her.
They weren't even being mean.
Just playing, without her. Not including her.

At least I know she will always have us cheering her on in the sidelines.

I take comfort in knowing, we will be her friend and accept her for who she is, no matter what it is.

Nostalgia is seeping through my veins today.

Ugh, this growing up thing sucks.

Top Ten of Two Thousand Ten

It's a little late, but I wanted to write about my favorite things I discovered in 2010.

Here are my top ten twelve things I love for kids, myself and our family.

1.) Melissa & Doug, Pound and Peg.
2.) Beefalo, a cross between a cow and a bison...the best meat out there! OMG!
3.) Fuzzibunz, way better than G-diapers. So comfy.
4.) Tarte makeup,  made without some harsh chemicals found in makeup.
5.) Bisson 3 in 1 vaccum, this thing is gods gift to parents.
6.) Panasonic Portable DVD players, this has been the best investment, besides our washer and dryer. When kids start to have meltdowns, just turn on Tinkerbell!

7.) Our dishwasher, need I say more.
8.) Kids activity books, Sarah will sit and do connect the dots and mazes until she blisters.

9.), the coolest makeup youtubers,
10.) Discovery Toys Peg Board, this toy is so fun, both Sarah and Noah love it!
11.) Dark wash skinny jeans....makes any frumpy shirt look fancy.
12.) The Walking Dead, I am obsessed with the show and comic. Zombies are cool.


My child hates sleep.

I think I am going to be sleep deprived forever.

Noah has NO intentions of sleeping through the night.
He is perfectly content with getting up 47 times a night.

On a good note. It's SNOWED!

No, I'm just kidding.
It sucks.

I don't even know how my husband made it to work this morning?
Hopefully he is okay.

Okay, really, on a real good note.
We have budgeted out all of our debt and will have the majority of it payed off this tax return season.
We have also budgeted $200 of PLAY money.
That's like a THOUSAND dollars for us poor people.

Endless possibilities.
I'm excited about that.


When someone you know has a new baby, you immediately think about your own experience.
It's a life changing moment.
For us, we had two completely different birthing experiences.
We were determined to make it that way. Birth is hard.
But apparently not for some.

I stumbled across a video on Youtube and watched a family go through labor in the most calm way. Not from hypnobirthing or deep breathing. But from an epidural.

I don't really know if I was jealous, or not?
We had an epidural with Sarah.
They turn the medicine off when you are ready to push though, so the effects of it wore off and the pain was full blown. I was nauseous, tired and pushed for 4 long agonizing hours.
It was overwhelmingly traumatic.

When the epidural was on, it was fabulous.
But for fear of having another experience like the one with Sarah, and not being able to move.
We decided to go through Noah's birth  in pain natural.

Experiencing both experiences, I don't really know. If my birth had been as calm as the video above, we may have not decided on a natural birth with Noah. The baby seemed to come out fine. She didn't have to push for 4 hours?

I was passionate about not having pitocin, because it usually leads to problems. I was WAY against that. But, epidurals, I don't really know.
When I was at my "rock and a hard spot" with Noah, I would have jabbed the needle in my own spine if someone had handed it to me. I was pleading for some relief. A tylenol!? Morphine....Ali, just punch me and knock me out!
Do I feel special because I didn't get one.

I do feel like I accomplished something I set my mind to. I am proud of myself.
But Noah's birth was harder than Sarah's, for me at least.
For Ali, he was having a grand ol' time.
It was short, I was quiet, the pushing was quick and he was out in 5 hours. Less than a work day for him.

For me, it was another story.

I can say, I was glad to feel my legs.
I was also glad to feel some control over my body.
I also wanted to experience that "needing to push" feeling I never did with was mostly nausea and pain.
For Noah, the 'trauma' was not there, but the pain WAS worse.
Extreme, with a capital ME.

So, seeing this video, I have mixed emotions.
I didn't know it could be so calm for some.
Even when she was pushing, she looked great, talking and laughing....ha ha.

I felt kinda like dying Darth Vadar when Luke took his mask off, it's like, "whoah, maybe we should just keep that mask on!."
I had triple chins, sweaty and screaming...... "ali, your a faaaathaa"

I am just glad to see it can be pleasant for some.


I received  job postings from
An online "nanny" site that allows moms to find adequate childcare.
I am not against mothers who go to work.
In this day and age, we kinda have to.

Hey, if I had the money, I would probably pay for a house cleaner so I don't have to do it all the time. 

BUT THIS ONE took the cake......
I can understand working to provide for your family. BUT THIS??........

 Albany,  NY  12208  (5 miles away)
Monday, 2/28/2011 through
Friday, 5/6/2011
We are looking for a baby sitter to help with night-time feedings of our baby from March through mid-May. You would be able to sleep in between the feedings.



PTC prognosis= good.
Now it's on to kindergarten?!


YMCA prognosis= excellent
I am on a quest to get in 56 pack abs and buns of diamonds.
Okay, maybe more realistic like ONE ab and burnt Pilsbury GMO buns.

Those Vegan frosted cupcakes probably weren't helping.
But they were sooooo good.
Worth every cellulite pimple.


Today, we have a...
Is it just me, or is it as nerve wrecking as getting a report card?
Why do I have this fear that the teacher is going to say, "weeeeeeell, Sarah is reaaally spacey and has a hard time paying attention in class, she might need special care." 

Both Ali and I were (cough) great students (cough).  :[)

Ali says he was so bad at school, when they held him back a grade and told him he would be in a new class, he didn't understand and went straight to his old classroom and they had to escort him to the, "down the bench" class.
He's special.
Everyone just thought I was dumb.
They eventually had to do a series of test to see if I wasn't handicapped. 
It was THAT bad.
I know Sarah is smart. She just takes after us in the "galaxy head" department.

My husband and I

This has been his first day off since we got back from Maine...phew.
Talk about work.
 At least he got a raise! It's only a .50c raise, but haaaay.
That's $1,040 more dollars a year. WOOOOOOOOOOOOp.

We are officially YMCA members.....again.
We took the kids swimming yesterday.
Noah was a little hesitant at first, but now he is an official guppy.
Sarah was a pro as usual and refuses any assistance what so ever because she is 4.
4 is like, 104, in her eyes.

My good friend Dianne had her first baby yesterday.
A whole new chapter of love, poop, breast cheese and giggles. (weep)

I think life starts again when you have a kid, because nothing is ever the same.
The life you had before you had a child is gone the second that baby comes out.
Even your mental state, goes from thinking about you, to now, thinking about this baby all day long.
It's hard to shut off your "mommy brain."
It's like a switch that turns on and doesn't shut off.
That baby is your life now.
You take the back burner.

Aww, the joys of having a baby, they are so small and smell so good. I miss that new baby smell.
I think Noah farted.


While hiking in the West African jungle we caught a rare glimpse into the primative Imanotaputo Tribe.
Startled by our presence, one of the armed tribesmen began an attack.
We nearly lost our lives.
Here is the footage.


My coffee is so good. grr.

Makes me feel like animal.

So Sarah is back to school today. She doesn't seem to be too excited, but she is always like that up until the point she hits the classroom.

So, we got a new laptop. Our old one got sick and died.
This one has a built in weeebbbbcam!
Now I can make boring vlogs and just end up deleting them!
But, I am going to make a video on the cute blankets our family in California made for Noah and Sarah.
It was a crafty Christmas this year.
I love crafts.

I'm ready for summer.
I want to be in a tank top. right now.
For some reason, I am super excited.

My list of things to do this summer so far:
  1. Sunbathe
  2. Camp
  3. Go to a waterslide park
  4. MAINE!
  5. Build a greenhouse
  6. BBQ
  7. Go for a good hike.
So far, these are all things I usually do. Except the greenhouse part.  I am giddy just thinking of it!
Too bad we have another 27 more months to go before summer even starts.

That's all.


My heart aches.
Sometimes my selfishness can overide my choices.
The right choice or wrong choice? 

When is a good time to do that?
The pressure builds with our society after baby turns one.
"Can't he drink milk now?" 

I don't mind nursing.
But, at night, I want sleep.

It's natural for babies to be this way.
Their is nothing wrong with it, he is not a "bad baby."

Last night, Ali got up with Noah to try to put him back to sleep without the assistance of a breast.
He has tried this MANY times, after my complaints of sleep deprivation, but only after a few short minutes of cries, I cave.
He is crying because he wants to nurse, it hurts my soul.
I just can't do it, not yet.

I was seriously considering weaning him.

My heart keeps screaming, slow down, enjoy these few years, these moments, the closeness, the want.
He is still a baby. Babies need their mommies. He needs me. He needs security.

It's hard. There will be a day when he will no longer need me.
My heart will ache and long to nurse him again, just once more.

This is the hard part about being a parent. Making the right choices. It's not meant to be easy.
The sacrifices we make as parents can lay the foundation for our children's futures.
Motivation Station.

More sleep, something I can give up.
So today is another day.
We will take it one at a time.

I need a brownie.