On a jet plane

My kids are in New York.
Hashtag #Sob-Fest2016 #Whambulance #SoBored

They go twice a year to visit family. I'm used to it. They have a blast. I'm happy for them.
What to do.
Isn't that the questions we all face. What do we do with our time? What is the ideal goal of accomplishment in our lives?
What happens next after you've experience some of the more common life goal things people strive for.
  • Marriage- check
  • Having babies- check
  • Get a career you Love- check
  • Have Abs of Steel- well......okay, so not everything is ideal.
But what else.

I still feel this immense urge that I am not living up to my full potential. WHY is that!? I want to make a difference. But how. What is my passion????? Who needs something!???

I literally watch motivational YouTube videos while I get ready in the mornings.

Tony Robbins 4 life.

This eventually leads me to spend the first 4 hours of my day in full "Arnold Mode,"  Eyeballing that stack of papers on my desk. Whispering in my best Arnold voice, "You look like a little puny pile, who do you think you are with your little puny words and deadlines"
My work never even sees it coming.

But the strange cycle I live is, eventually by 5:00 p.m., there's nothing more I want to do, than to do the exact opposite of "Pumping Up" my motivation. In fact. Cooking dinner seems like a lot of work by 6:00 p.m. Like a serious work out for my brain.
Putting stuff in a pan and setting the temperature is hard work man. You have to actually make decisions on what to mash together with the ingredients you have.... that late in the day. But I just spent 8 hours deciding things? No way.  I have a list of  dinners I rotate during the week because of this. Got chicken. Yup. Chicken tonight kids. Leftover Broccoli? Looking like stir-fry tonight kids.
Not even an ounce of creativity that  so heavily engulfed me  at 7:46 a.m. that morning.

I literally thought of starting my own organization to help others at 7:46 a.m. this morning.

Maybe I'm just a morning person.

That's all for today.

Gotta make dinner...... :/


Where do I begin?

Or should I say, where did it end.....

I'm divorced now.

One Plus One Equals?

Last week was the first time I read this blog since my divorce, which happened five years ago. Five. Long. Years. Ago. Like a bad fairytale ending. I didn't want to be reminded of what "was" and wanted to focus on what "is."

I cried like a baby after reading it.

Mostly because my kids were so wittle and cute and precious. Time is a gift. Another big part of my sob-fest 2016, was witnessing the years we were a happy family. It brought out the best qualities in me. Stabs the heart.

It feels like a lifetime ago in a far away land.

My raw truth.
I left.

I left because I wanted to experience something else. I left because I felt overwhelmed, claustrophobic and too young to be where I was in life. I left because I didn't value what a healthy and long lasting relationship could have provide me. I wasn't grown up enough yet to know the importance. I don't beat myself up over that.

I also left because of him.

That boy.

The one you swelled up in hives on your face for as a teen. The one that made you giddy to go to school and motivated you to show up to class, even when you had a history of not doing so.  The boy you used to call into the 'love songs after dark' radio station for, and request songs like, "Crazy for you" by Madonna, and 'I Touch Myself,' which, by the way, I did not actually touch myself at the thought of him, it just sounded sexy. And sexy was not what I was at 15 with bad teeth and boyish hips.

The boy you thought would eventually be yours, and this perfectly cute romantic, adorable, sexy love story would eventually end up your future.

I finally got that boy.

I've kept this part of my life private. Only to my closest friends, have I expressed my guilt of giving up my family for this ridiculous fantasy. He was everything that I didn't have at that time of my life. And everything I thought I wanted for my future.

(insert judgments here)

It only turned out to be the most debilitating relationship I've every experienced. It may not have been all him. I could have held him to standards too high. It could have been the divorce too.

I just couldn't give it up. Even when I knew.
That Boy. I held on to.....with hope.... until our depressing and pathetic drawn out bitter..... 'The End.'

I see it so clear now.

The tainted grass.

Thus is life I suppose.

Sarah and Noah, who have now grown to be 9 & 6. My babies. Both equally as darling as the other. I am so proud them. I still wanna suffocate them most days with my love. I still read them a book every night.
I still look at them the way I did, the first day they were born. Some things have stayed the same. My love for these two.


My story, I hope, doesn't end poorly for me. Because I know, as much as we can't see it sometimes. Everything happens for a reason. I enjoy my life. This life. Without The Husband or The Boy, but with just me. Amber. That was my lesson. I'm the one I needed to love, only to start my real beginning.