Well Done

Unda pressure! dun dun dun dun dun....dun dun.

I'm 34.

*crickets chirping*

I know.

Why does this seem so old to me?

This recent birthday has really opened my eyes......what have I done?

Have I accomplished what I want in life?
Where did these wrinkles come from?!
Why is it getting harder to get out of bed!?!
Do I need to start wearing makeup for "mature" skin!?!?
Am I considered a "seasoned" woman!?!?!?
When does arthritis start to kick in????????????

I don't even get ID'd for alcohol anymore. Not even at the grocery store.
That's when you KNOW you are lookin' old.
That cashier is willing to risk their own job, possible even being fined, because they feel 100% confident I look WELL over the legal age limit. FML.

Definitely a seasoned woman.

Definitely those damn wrinkles.

I've talked a lot about going on vacations for the past four years.......have I? Nope.
I still have a mountain of paid vacation time just chillen' waiting to be taken. Have I taken it? Nope.

Would I much rather drink locally, eat out at a mediocre three and a half star restaurant only to watch Netflix and pass out by 10:30 p.m. on a Friday night.....?
Hell yea.

I'm feelin' the pressure.
Or maybe it's excitement.
Or anxiety?
Not sure.

Could be an undiagnosed health condition too.

BUT I really have been evaluating my life.

I even drink whiskey now?!?

Cheers to my fellow middle aged women!

Until next time.


On one condition.

The divorce rate in America is 50%.

That's half!

What. The.

Half of these amazing wedding I see. With all these amazing looking couples.
Just end. Over. Done. Split-so.

I see a lot of weddings. I run a photo booth. It comes with the territory. Its amazing!

Everyone seems SO in love. I mean, my heart gushes almost every time I go.
I always think to myself, now this couple, this couple is DEFINITLEY going to make it.

We all know, half the guests are probably thinking the same thing............

Will they make it?

Has marriage become a sentence doomed for failure?
Well, statistically, it kinda is.
Hey. I fall into that %.

What is it?!

Do we love people nowadays with too many conditions? For example. You have to fit a certain mold in order for me to remain interested? Attractions is huge! But why does it never last and how do we move past the funk of stale intimacy? Leave? Aren't we just going to end up stale again in another relationship again?

Do two people really "grow" apart?

I don't know.

All I know is I wish the best for every couple.

Temptation is huge I think too.

I have heard sooooo many married couples say they have unhappy significant others at home.

Like, what!?

I mean........

What made the love evaporate.
What happened after that wonderfully great wedding day you two had?

Maybe its appreciation? People don't feel appreciated.

Or it could be that people perceive themselves to be something they are not and once they get comfortable, BAM. You are locked in for liffffffe haha

I was really saddened by those statistics.

Why does it seem so hard?

Until next time~



Pet to the Peeve

OH. my gawwwwwedddd

Today, YET AGAIN, on my drive home in a snow storm, I had some big, honkey tonkin', unnecessarily big truck drivin,' estúpido guy riding my ass. Why you say?  

OH, because I was ACTUALLY abiding by the law and going the reduced speed limit of 45 miles an hour. (okay, more like 55, but still.)

This was DURING the snow fall.
I get it.
Your truck is big, and probably has four wheel drive.

I'm also pretty sure that big truck of yours can pass me too. Whyyyyy!?

It's those people that drive lil elderly people off the roads!

But, thank you, Douche McDoucherton, for inspiring me to share with you my biggest pet peeves......

Sometimes, ya just gotta vent right!?

Numero Uno) It's pretty clear. Guys who drive abnormally large trucks with tires that are way too big for the freaking earth seem to continually fit the mold of douchbagery. This species of human, gets pleasure in riding EVERYONES ass because they think they have these magical monster truck capabilities.......No. You are not that cool.... No...There is not a lot of talent in putting your foot down really hard on a gas petal. No.....There is no skill in risking death by getting inches away from someone's bumper.  😐  This is not Mario Kart. And why would you want a girl to have to mountain climb into your salary guzzling Ford F150 anyways!?? Def, not this girl. Especially not in heels.

Dos) People who spit............what....the.....bleep.....is.....this...........when did it become a cool/hip thing to  snort a loogie full of boogers mixed with chunks of your chewed up dunkin donuts breakfast sandwich and hack it on the streets for people to see or step in!!??????? Is there some medical reason why someone would have an excessive amount of saliva that would need it to be purged from the body!? I have literally seen huge GREEN globs of this, all over the place. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Gaggggggggg. Literally just threw up in my mouth. #pleasestop

Tres)  Girls who talk real breathy and mostly out of their nasal passageway  ...........Like "oh meyy geyyd Lisaaaa, did you seeee her dress is seewww last seassssoonnnn." ..........you all know what I'm talking about. Where the end of every sentence is drawn out like oh my gaweddddddddddddddddddddd. Did you see thattttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt hhhhashhhtag seeew last ssseasonnnnnnnnn. FML. Kill me now.

Cuatro) Most of my closet friends know this next peeve.....  My lifetime has consisted of being continually taunted with these words. Mostly by my brother. There is not one conversation we have that will not lead up to him mentioning these two words .....sometimes in the same sick sentence.....sometimes separate and out of know where, just BAM, gouging my ears and torturing me.. I'm having a hard time even getting ready to type these...........bare with me.....ugh.......


I need a moment.
If we can just remove these words out of the English language that would be greeeat.

Cinco) This one seems to be a trend lately. But, when you are friendly to people and they are not friendly back......I get it...we all have bad days.....but when you say Hi to the lady making your coffee and she gives you an attitude back!? It just makes you doubt the human race and ponder why you even try then contemplate saying fuck it and just start hating the world. Believe me, it's easier to ignore you. Sursly. I liked your face and I appreciated you making me a nice coffee. I said Hi. Sue me. We all have to pay our bills, cut carbs and NOT do cocaine or day drink to get by (jay kay). We all struggle with life sometimes. Smile back. :)

Seis) Someone who puts the NEW toilet paper roll on TOP of the empty roll..........I...I just can't even.

and lastly...

Siete) Vehicles who speed up RIGHT when you are trying to merge in.....oh my god. This is the WORST.
Is this some sort of weird Power Trip phenomenon people have that is deep routed in their subconscious mind  in order to feel superior or something? I have literally had people RACING ahead of me, literally... pedal to the medal, balls to the wall. Just to be in front of me......In most cases, when their car is more than halfway BEHIND me......The logical thing would be to merge in slowly and safely, like a nice smooth merge of lanes should be, on course with how cars are aligned......but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO special people will just fuck up your day by cutting you off. Sometimes, not even letting you in at ALL. 
That is when Amber's cray side comes out. One minute, I'm jammin' out enjoy the scenery, drinking my coffee  that some asshole made me. I see the lane ahead is merging.......oh no.........I panic......my heart starts racing, I mumble to myself "oh hell no, this guy is gunna cut me off," and sure enough, there is this moment of awkward side to side racing happening, I feel in most cases, people, for a split second, like the idea of  driving someone off the road or in ditch. That is a FAR better decision than having to slow down right!?
We are the most stubborn species in the world I swear. 
Why is this a thing!?.....This is why I have serious road rage.

That's all for now.
Lawd help me.


Don't go breakin' my heart


We've all been there.

It's the worst right!?

Well, for me.... I've carefully avoided heartbreak like the plague. Who wants to deal with that?
Not me.

I actually recently experienced my first true gut wrenching pain of love loss.

It was NOT pretty.

I always left long before this could ever happen to me. Hence my divorce. If I initiate it, I'm in control right?

From my history, I've always been the one to leave.  The pain of being dumped or dealing with your heart being crushed was NOT my cup of tea. I actually avoided commitment my entire life like a 2017 fuckboy avoids getting lock down to just ONE Tinder girl. Never gunna happen.

Hell to the Nah

Back when I was 18, I dated this really fun guy named Matt. He had tons of friends, cool car, was hilarious, cute and wanted me to be his girlfriend. We would cruise around jammin' out to Andre Nickatina, Mac Dre & E-40, (you know, the type of music any skinny, middle class white girl from Napa Valley would like), sneak into pools at night-just to make out and skinny dip, camp, streak through various public events (yup) and drink beer- pretty much all summer, we always had something fun going on. I even met his mom. I loved her!
Things were going good.

Then I dumped him.

You know why I dumped him?

He didn't text me back (technically he didn't call back, we had pagers back in the olden days).......

..................................................after an hour.............................................................

Not kidding.

This girl had some serious commitment and intimacy issues right!?

Woah, slow down, wait....things are going really good!??!
Nope. See ya.

You can see my history here.

What came from this most recent heartbreak, which would be the first for me, the one I've avoided my entire life. Is realizing that.......well..........it does suck......real bad.......kinda like how I imagined. I never thought I could recover.

But in this past year of being single, I have really felt amazing. I think as people, we need to experience this kind of gut wrenching pain to push us to work on our own self growth.

And, ya know, sometimes, things just don't work out.
There is no sense in making sense of it.
Everyone has their own agenda.

Dating can actually be fun.
(It can also be REALLY bad too)

Not me.

I have quite a few hilarious dating stories.  Nothing really fazes me anymore.  Rejection isn't this terrifying deep dark pit of self-loathing that you will never crawl out of.  I survived that shit.
I also feel like I came out a better person.......at least I think........... I still bump gansta rap, drink too much wine sometimes, speed and flirt with hot men.


Being single has been fun.
I mean really.....in reality, it's only a brief time in your life you get to do what you want, when you want. Before you know it, you'll be in another relationship.

It such a precious time.
A rare time you get to enjoy just being you.

I'm cradling my single self and lovin' it. Maybe that's why I'm still single. I don't want to give that time up unless is worth it.

Speakin' of lovin'

My son has now become obsessed with Harry Potter. Lil late I know.
I felt compelled to share his crafty rendition of 'Arry Pottah' glasses (way too big for his face) and scar that he consistently needs to redo daily. Well, because I think it's cute.

Until next time

Discoveries- my favorite things right neow~

Oh boy.
These things get me SO excited!

I have discovered some pretty amazing things lately..

Mostly food. I love food.

Here goes.

1.) Amy's Roasted Vegetable Pizza - Dear Lord. Thank you. Do you know how hard it has been to find a GOOD dairy free pizza!? The struggles are real.  There is nothing more bland and disappointing than trying out a pizza with imitation cheese. I'll pass, thanks. Not only does it taste terrible, the ingredients are usually twice as bad. BUT THIS, oh shit yea. Definitely, a MUST TRY.  You can find this in most grocery stores in the freezer isle. It's amazing.

2.) Loreal Magic Lumi Primer- For us cold weather folks. Lets face it. This 15 degree weather is not helping anyone's skin out.  When you walk out to your car and the cold hits your face like a bag of solid ice, you KNOW your skin is looking just as dry and flakey as your poor shrivel up moisture restricted hands are. Put this baby on as a primer before your foundation, mix it in with your face moisturizer or add it straight into your foundation and BAM!, you'll look like the sparkling lil ray of sunshine you are. Who doesn't like sparking things!? You can get this at most drug stores.


3.) Nuttin Ordinary Ravioli's- Ohhhhhhhhhhh my gawd. I died and went to heaven with this. This is something my kids and I LOVE. You would never know the difference. These handmade ravioli's are filled with a mixture of cashew and other spices. This is the best thing I've ever had. Teamed up with fresh garlic bread, mmm. You may need some stretchy pants after these babies. I found these at Whole Foods Market, if you are not close to one, check out their website. I am not sure if they even ship items out, but this is definitely something to try if you live in the New England area.  http://nuttinordinary.com/.

 4.) Vegan Parmesan- This was something that ties into the above. Sprinkling this godsend on top of your warm, cheesy-ish raviolis. GOOD LAWD.  It has a slight crunch to it, so it makes it an even better consistency than parmesan. If I had to choose between this, and a day assigned to oil up the muscles of Ryan Reynolds for a photo shoot. I'd pick this. This recipe came from the Minimalist Baker. She has an excellent website filled with great healthy recipes that I love. It is SO simple to make. Which is what her website is all about. Simplicity. Check it out!- http://minimalistbaker.com/. Just kidding about that Ryan Reynolds comment. Haha. Call me...............maybe?


5.) Ipsy Bags- This isn't really a new one for me. I've been subscribed to Ipsy for over a year now. I am due to get my bag in a few days and was just thinking of how excited I am.  You only pay $10.00 a month. What you get, is a magical pinkish bubbly wrapped surprise bag and inside this magical surprise bag, is a bunch of different surprise makeups, brushes, primers, eye shadows, nail polish, you name it ! Even the cute bag changes each month.  This is something my daughter and I literally scream out loud for when it arrives. I am counting down the seconds until its arrival. You can sign up here or check em out at... https://www.ipsy.com/new?cid=ppage_ref&sid=link&refer=1y6zt.

I guess that's all for now. I realized I love food a lot. Haha.
*A little disclaimer- I eat a pretty consistent plant based diet, so most of these food items are going to be vegan-ish. 
Until next time.

Fanny Cheeks

Oh man.

Last night, I had an epiphany.

A good one.

We all like good ones.

This weekend, I worked both days.
In case you don't know. I have two jobs.
My full time job is managing a low-income housing community. I enjoy this job. Love my peeps.

The other job, I run a photo booth...... You know. Like this....

I'm the girl that lures you in.

Its great, you get to travel all over, see exciting new areas of this state, see amazing venue places, eat good food and be a huge part in someone's special day. I love it!

I have my kids 50/50, so this is a great way to fill the space on days I do not have them. Make that money too baby!

Who doesn't want to be richer? And by richer I mean, able to pay your extremely high car payment for a Jeep with no Air Conditioner richer. Like, Starbucks once a WEEK richer. Like, oh shit, I'm gunna buy that high priced bread with less preservatives, rich.


I don't normally work both days on weekends, actually...I haven't worked in a few months doing this second job. Slow season.

But this weekend, I had a Wedding Expo to do. I was hired to run and market our latest and greatest photo booth, the magical talking mirror!
So cool.

So, Friday night, all day Saturday & Sunday day. I would be away from home. Away from my kids. Away from my couch, away from my weekend and my lazy duties I so lovingly fulfill on these days.
This is not typical. Our weekends are usually our relaxation/family/explore time.
Our..... 'make up for all the homework and rushing time.'

So finally, after a long weekend and less than the normal amount of sleep. (I love sleep)
Sunday night, I get out and go to pick up my kids.

Things are great, we do our typical nightly shenanigans......dinner, games, talk at the table, laugh. My kids are hysterical, seriously. The funny thing about parenting is your kids grow up, and they TOTALLY establish your sense of humor, so everything you do is funny to them, and vise versa.

you complete me.

At this point, I'm exhausted though.

And we still had the bedtime routine, shower, brush, read, bed.


As my little son was about to get in the shower I noticed a large sliver on his knee. I've heard other people call this different names, but its a sliver of wood in your skin. Ya know. sliver.

Me being a female. I love to groom, pick at and pet things I love.

I love my son.

So I am coaxing him into allowing me to get this thing out......

Now, my son is a very sensitive person. I mean, he is SO in tune with his feelings and the feelings of others. He never likes to hurt anyone, or make them feel bad. He picks flowers for girls. He's been in love with a girl named Ashley at school since kindergarten. He is set on marrying her and only her. He's suave.  He just recently confessed to using a tiny travel size Axe's deodorant daily? (I can't even make this stuff up). He says the sweetest things always like, mommy you are the best mom, you're so pretty. Everyday. I couldn't ask for a better son. Really.

So when I tried to yank this motha sliva out, he screams out in pain, "mommyyyyyy you are hurting meeeeeee!!!!" "Ahhhhhggghh it hurttttssss"
SO loud.
I barely even touched it.

Feeling frustrated and tired, I complied with his request and let it go for the night.

Now, if you remember from my other blog. My ex is now dating a nurse. (Who's 25, natural blonde, drives a Prius, is a good person and loves my kids, etc....you know... perfect)

SO, now that she is living with my ex. My son has a 24/7 nurse.

I am not a nurse.

In fact, if there is ANY sign that my kids are about to vomit........ I'M OUT!

If I see a booger on..... or near me...... I'M OUT!

If you are bleeding more than a small cut..........I'M OUT!

So, about 10 minutes later....my son is still whining that it hurts. I kept explaining to him that I had to do it, I don't want it to get infected, I needed to get it out, blah blah. You're fine, you're fine....A part of me wanted him to kinda, "man up" and take it, and not be SO sensitive about things......because again, as parents, we don't have a handbook. You never know the right thing to do.

Basically, I was tired. it was bedtime for all of us, my bed was calling my name.

So a little later he started choking back his tears........he didn't want to bother me by saying I hurt him anymore. So he said quietly to me....

Well, *sniff*, can you please make sure to call Daddy and Coco (my ex's gf ) in the morning and have Coco take care of my knee to make it feel better then? *sniff*

I just looked at him.

For all those youngin' out there, that's some Bon Jovi shit. YouTube it.

Makes the ladies purr


I just scooped him up and hugged him......then he started to sob and tell me it really hurt him.
He just let those tears flow.
Let it go baby.


Talk about lack of support. GAWWWWD!


All he needed was a hug. From his mom.

Not a band aid the next DAY.

He doesn't need to man up. He's is a great human being, why wouldn't I support that? Why try to make him totally out of touch with how he truly feels by 'man-ing up' and avoid things like pain?
Am I afraid he is going to grow up and have some pretty, shallow girl tell him he's too sensitive for thinking of her feelings and dumping him because he's "too nice"?

I want a secure kid.

I'm also really happy he loves her. She loves him.

Sometimes we just need a hug.

Until next time.


Balls of Jingle

It's snowing.

Fa la lalalalala.....!

Its Christmas time again!!
You know.
Only the BEST time of year for those who celebrate it.
And guess what.


AND......this year I have a  new family member. A dog. My boy.


Actually, his full name is Leonidas Triton Majestic Vargonen.

You know..... like this guy................

Dear Santa. Yeah. I'll take one of him for Christmas.....thank you.

Leo is a rescue puppy.

Look at that face....

He better be cute, because he started off on my doggy death wish list by chewing up my furniture, my shoes, pooping on all of my decorative pillows, eating my VICTORIA SECRET trillion dollar bras and treating my son Noah like he was a chew toy.

But things have calmed down. (thank you sweet baby jesus)

Did I mention he was a terrible walker too???

BUT that's why they make them cute. Just like kids. So you have to forgive them. Especially when they give you that look.
(See above photo)

That damn look!

I'm such a softy for cute things.

Especially cute boys.

Like this guy.....

You're welcome.

Leo is totally getting dressed up in a Xmas sweater and getting his picture taken with Santa.
He doesn't know this yet.
He may very well attack Santa.
He may run away at the site of Jolly St. Nick.
He definitely will cause a scene.
And may even harm a small child (probably mine)
In all reality, it's not going to go well......


The thought of this picture, and the amount of excitement it brings me, is SO worth it. It probably exceeds the normal level of christmas spirit..........

I mean come on......look at how cute this is could be.............


Wish me luck.

Until next time.