Love Buds

Love.

Sigh.

I experienced true beginning buds of love again.



Me.















It's been awhile.
I resisted. Just as I do.
That how I roll. Ya know.

Double Sigh.

He was young. Handsome. Fun. Smart.

He also was..........

Too young..........
Too outgoing..................
Too open with his feelings..........
Too thoughtful..........
Too different from the rest.............
Too loud, especially his music...........................
Too showy.......
He always wanted to talk about our issues when we had disagreements.................
Didn't leave...........even when I had a melt downs and was very mean sometimes.......................
Great with my kids............
Talked to EVERYONE we met.....................
Too much.............

Annoyingg right!?

He actually went through some hard times after a few months of us dating and ended up in a few not so easy situation. When we first met he was on a specific path, it was safe, homey. I liked it.
Then suddenly, BAM everything changed. Things got rough.

Pffft. What an asshole. Right!?

Haven't I been wanting a man that's STABLE?! What was I supposed to do now.......support him..... actually love him regardless of his personal decisions and give back the same amount of stability I needed from him? You know. Be there?....ew. What about me??
 Pfft.
Nahhhh.....  so I broke up with him.

*First step in progression is acceptance right!? haha*

Do we need to relate to people we love ALL the time, what happens when we start to see differences, it seems like that is when things goes bad. But isn't that because of our expectations? Was I mad because he wasn't buying a house, or even thinking about it, but bought a motorcycle instead to save gas money and enjoy what little summer we have here (yea....he's real young). It was his passion. I hated it.
Where's my sense of adventure I so longingly desired out of my last relationships.
He wasn't bothered by it. Why was I!?
He was so happy!

I don't want to love another human being that way.
Not even with him again. But in general!

Love is acceptance. Love is giving the person a feeling of purpose in your life. Don't we all want purpose. Love is letting people feel safe and loved around you at ALL times. Love isn't like this. Critical, judgmental and full of games.

I am supposed to inspire, not force love.

Who was I kidding. I secretly enjoyed all those things about him.
But I looked at them like faults.
 Thats who he was. He was always doing, keeping busy, making plans, just being all around crazy. He LOVED living.  Like LOVED it. Legit.
Like me.
Even if his crazy stories didn't match up sometimes.
We all have our faults.

I mean really, my dishes are rarely done, I wake up with fake eyelashes stuck to my forehead because 83% of the time, I don't wash my face at night (ladies, you KNOW this is terrible), I drink too much sometimes/always (Friday nights), I break plans, I've lied. I mean for christ sake (sorry mom) I bought a brand new car with a car payment over $400 with ZERO Air Conditioning or any chance of it (not smart).

I  know I would not want to be with someone who always criticized decisions I made that I thought were in my best interest, then broke up with me because of it.
Lord knows I make some crazy decisions on a whim. haha. Good Lawd help me, it can be bad sometimes.

Maybe I would have enjoyed our sleepovers on the beach, picnics in the woods, late night wine drinking parites, extremely fun love makin' in public places (totally responsible), roller coaster riding and random dance parties in parking lots more, if I would have just rode with the process and believed in him. Loved him- as is.
Not what I wanted him to be.


Or maybe it really wasn't a match.........
Maybe his stories became too much......
Maybe he did lie.
Maybe it was too much.

I have learned another great lesson in all of this.

Venting helps.
Writing is my release.

Progression is good. :D

Until next time.

Amba