Cropsey

I don't know, is cropsey a word?

My dumpling of a daughter is "graduating" from Preschool.

dun, dun, dun dun.

I spent countless hours shopping for the perfect "graduation" dress for her.
I had visions of  little white  flowers in her 'romantic style updo' with her SHNAZZY white summer dress carefully plucked from the racks of Target.............perfect.

Why did NO ONE remind me that they had made their very own Tie-dye t-shirts a ba-gillion days in advance with their trademark iron on label:

'I grew at First Untied Methodist Preschool'

um...

My vision of sunshine hair and summer dress spins are smashed to the ground and stomped to bits.

Bits.

Exhibit A:      Last Years tie dye shirt.

Letting go

Sometimes you just need to hear the right words...

Something to encourage you to keep going, keep fighting for what you believe in.

Deep breath....

It's hard for me to write this....having my personal life out in the open.
But I think that everyone goes through these problems, and part of the issues is, we make believe we don't.

I was feeling separated from my husband.
Whether it be loneliness or jealousy.
My connections was getting further and further away.

For a minute, I wanted to be free.

My history with dating is no good. I am not the commitment type.
My view on marriage was a joke.
Not one couple on earth has not had some type of affair.
So why commit to one person for the rest of your life?


But, Ali was different.
No really.

I value that I can talk to him about anything. Even these thoughts of wanting to escape, and how I am 99% vested in this relationship and the other is waiting for the day it fails, and I run.

Of course, I didn't realize this until we talked.

I expect failure.
How can you progress past a certain point?

Then, he said....

"that day in Reno, I had that ring, you had no idea that I was going to ask you to marry me.....I had a moment with myself.....Ali, is this the right woman for you......I could just put this away and she would never know......but I said, nope, you were everything I asked God for. Your everything I ever wanted, and nothing has changed since that day, I still love you"


It's time to let go.
It's time to jump in.

I have to know that some things in life are real.
This is real, our life.
We may have our moments, but the foundation is there.
I have to remember that safety net of "we".
We are here, together, forever, holding hands until death separates us.

I love you Ali.
Thank you for being by my side
Even when you know I am broken.

Hiyah!

My son.
What can I say.

He is a born fighter.
It must be in the blood of boys to make weapons out of sticks and use ribbon as karate belts?!
How does he know these things?

Coming from 3 solid years of pink and rainbows......it's quite an adjustment to go to growls and punches.

That face, that chubby, double chinned, big blue eyed fuzzy face!

You just wanna knock him out!
My husband and I joke if he doesn't stop being cute we are just gonna punch something.....we are always holding up fists ready to punch...I've punched walls, door, pillows and Ali.
The cuteness is too much.

He's like a puppy you just want to stay little and fluffy. Never get bigger and awkward.

Here is some recent footage.....

We also captured a little ka-ra-te.....
No pants and his "black belt".....
It's short and sweet.

Garrrgghhh!!!!

Where?

Do I start.

It's been a while. I guess in a way its been writers block. Or nothing too interesting to say.
No revelations really.
For awhile there, I was being consumed by so many different thoughts and emotions...wow...

I've learned to Chillax


It's hard to do that sometimes, especially when you realize that everything around you is crumbling.
Or so you may think.

Over-thinking is also my down fall.

Just chill.

Churning thoughts like butter. Rotating them over in your mind until it makes sense so you can grasp the situation.
Turning a liquid into a solid.
Sometimes its hard to get the stuff to form.

My cure and my new motto is living in the "NOW," the moment
This very second I am typing this.....is living.
The future is endless.
My past is an exit I passed up a long time ago, that I don't want to drive down.
I am someone else, a new person, older, stronger, wiser.

It's the older part that scares me......

Gulp.

Well, here's to getting wrinkles and age spots...ha ha.

Piece

It's been so long. The sun, the warmth.
Yesterday was a nice day.
Nice for New York.
Sunny, upper 40's.

But the sky was clear, so the sun could seep into my pores.
Ahhh, Vitamin D, I've missed you.

We went to our favorite hiking trail down to our favorite waterfall. Even though the snow is still sporadic on the ground, the base of the waterfall was melted, revealing an abundance of rocks that make great artillery.

Who knew this was so much fun.

The thing that got me was, this was the place I would come with Sarah when I was pregnant with Noah.
The waterfall, the sun...I remember those summer days so well. The water was flowing, the sun was shining on my face, Sarah was playing with bugs on the rocks.
I felt total peace.
This vision is what got me through child birth. Forcing myself to remember that moment, that feeling.

And there he was, throwing 'not so little' rocks with his little hands into the water, growling  like a lion.

He has grown into a little boy.

I gazed at my husband, daughter and son, throwing rocks into this, Vision of Peace.

Life is amazingly beautiful sometimes.

No Rain

The Honest Weight Food Co-op, my second home.
LITERALLY.

It's a beacon of light in downtown Albany.
It's an Organic vessel of local/organic/fair trade fruit, vegetable and grass-fed/ free range meats.
On top of that, they serve a variety of fresh baked good, breads, muffins, pastries,
Sandwiches, salads, pasta, hot dishes, daily soups, a whole specialty cheese haven and fresh squeezed juices. On top of that they teach free classes about, well, everything. 
I am in love.
I have been for 3 years.

WELL, we are FINALLY members!!

This Co-op is community owned, in order to get a discount you have to be a member. You buy one 'share' for $100 (which you can do in a 6 YEAR payment plan) and immediately get 2%. If you want, you become a volunteer worker, work 4 hours a month and get 10%. You volunteer for 4 hours a week, you get 26%. You schedule yourself when you can.


It was a big day for me.

During the orientation I was so giddy I had to calm myself.
I was surrounded by people who felt as passionate about food as I was.
We talked GMO's.
We talked about importance of animal diets.
We talked about gardening and heirloom seeds.

WOW. I could have hugged everyone in that room and brought a guitar and sang songs.

THERE IS EVEN A RALLY to support farming in New York State......

It feels awesome to know I am  fulfilling my  passion, and I am taking bigger steps to get there.
I'm not a baby anymore, I am an adult, I take adult steps.

It makes my drive to be a Nutritionist even stronger, I feel my path is finally laying out before me. I am getting involved, the way I have wanted to.

I just needed to become a member.

Be all that you can be.

My husband.
He is my inspiration.
He doesn't even bat an eye to criticism.
He has helped me in so many ways, in not feeling like I have to defend myself.
And stop worrying about what others do either.
And try to just be honest.
Worry about us. Let go of everything else.

I am feeling pressure.
The pressure to go to work.


For me, working at the salon was a mental and physical break.
When I worked, it was great. Not gonna lie.
Even those long busy days were nothing compared to a long day with the kids.
It was calm and quiet, I got to socialize with adults, EAT,  take a break, be creative and MAKE MONEY!
My drive to make money is really strong.
Some mom's can balance this. 

I am scared I will get wrapped up in it.
I didn't want to lose focus of what was really important to me.
Raising my kids.
Once I get on that money horse I will gallop off, full speed and it scares me.
I resist the urge to ask my old boss for my job back, everyday.


So, I've  learned to bottle this drive to make money, into being a mom.
That is my full time job. I am working hard long days with PLENTY of overtime, to be the best mom and role model I can be.
Just without a pay check to show for it.

It's so hard when you are battling these thoughts already, then lose support. Making money IS important.
Sometimes I am guided away from what I am fighting to achieve.
It's hard not to get upset or defensive.

I know I will get on that horse.
I guess someday I will have to give in.